Cynthia Nixon Controversy – A Choice to be Gay or Born that Way? January 25, 2012

Fair Warning – I am likely to get on my soapbox about this issue. I don’t understand why some homosexuals feel the need to dictate what other homosexuals must feel and say. Sex in the City star, Cynthia Nixon has inspired some negative feedback from the GLBT community since she stated publicly that she “chose” to be a lesbian. Married for a long time, Nixon is quoted saying, “I have been straight and I am now a lesbian, and being lesbian is better.” Granted, I am one of those lesbians that truly believes I was born a lesbian. But I have an open mind and guess if a person is truly bisexual, then they do have a choice.

Intellectually, the GLBT community should admit that “one size does not fit all” when defining any group of people. Given that fairly accepted supposition, then why do some members of the GLBT community feel the need to assume that we were all born gay or lesbian. I know. Don’t get mad at me, I know it’s not all of us that push this point. It may be safe to say that lesbians and gays have a strong preference for the same sex, but many of us have been married to the opposite sex at some point early in life. I am not willing to say that I did not love my husband. The truth is, I did love him. I still do, in fact.  I’m sure his current wife will be thrilled to hear that. I also must admit that I strongly prefer women over men as a partner and would never date men again. But I believe Cynthia Nixon when she says she chose to be a lesbian. Why would she feel the need to lie about this fact?

I know it would be a lot more tidy if lesbians and gays all claimed to be born this way, putting to rest right-wing rhetoric that the GLBT community is comprised of deviants who choose to “act out” in this way. For me, the fact that homosexuality exists in nature in other species proves that a certain percentage of any species is probably born this way.

If God made us gay or lesbian, then how can anyone fault us for this behavior? This basic argument in favor of acceptance is probably why the GLBT community cringes when celebrities like Cynthis Nixon use the word “choose” to describe why they are a lesbian. I can’t quite fathom some horse or cow sitting around and making a conscious decision to take a walk on the wild side as a gay horse or bovine. Is it just me, or have other people thought about this point? But then, people are capable of so much more thought than animal counterparts.

Carpe the differences within and outside the community!

Just Say NO to Fatal Attractions and Lesbian Drama January 20, 2012

Credit: I stole this idea from a friend of mine (you know who you are) based on a story she told me, thanks for the inspiration.

If you have only heard of fatal attractions, and have never experienced one, then you are a lucky lesbian. I have wandered down that deadly path a time or two. Most relationships that lasted for more than three or four months had merit in my mind, even if they eventually ended. How I ended up in those short-term disastrous situations is still somewhat of a mystery to me. I have a few theories, but cannot say for sure what brings two people together who are destined to bring havoc into each other’s lives. Can you say reformed adrenaline junkie? Usually the sex was great or there was something equally provocative that landed me in her arms. I have to admit that when I was young, my priorities were a bit skewed.

The qualities I never associate with those fatal attraction relationships is balance, self-respect, or positive influences. And no, I am not blaming those failed train wrecks on the other woman. I am certain I was at least 50% of the problem, if not more. Some people do well with certain types of lesbians, but don’t work with others. I truly believe compatibility is key. I realize I am stating the obvious and that there are no words of true wisdom imparted here, just observations and experiences. Also the word wholesome rarely comes to mind when I consider those dark unions. But the excitement was enough at the time to get me involved.

As a newbie lesbian who came out a bit late, I believe I was intent on experiencing as much as possible to make up for lost time. I went through phases. For awhile I liked the arsty girls who considered themselves rebels. I hooked up with intellectual, artsy types. That lasted for a short while. Then I decided corporate types were more my speed. You see, I love women when they are all dressed up coming back from the office. I still have fantasies about “helping them relax after a tough day at the office.” That lasted a decade or more. I liked jocks too, as long as they didn’t lean too far towards “butch.” When I look back, I attribute my lack of experience with women, impatience for sex and an inability to see the freight train coming for many of my fatal attractions.

I recognize the signs of a fatal attraction better now, having witnessed other desperate peers in similar situations. So I have made yet another list. One of these statements alone is not a definitive indicator that you are involved in a fatal attraction. But look out, if you can say yes to several of these statements.

Signs You Might Be Involved in a Fatal Attraction

1. Your conscience is nagging you that the relationship is not healthy.

2. You keep telling yourself that you will break up with her, but you can never go through with it.

3. She embarrasses you in front of friends and family because of her bizarre behavior.

4. Deep in your heart you don’t feel as if she truly cares about you and wants the best for you.

5. Since you met her, your friends say you have changed and they are worried about you.

6. Since you got involved with her, you have been acting out of character, doing things you don’t feel good about.

7. She is abusive mentally or physically and does not consider your feelings.

8. When you are with her you are unable or unwilling to stand up for yourself.

9. You rarely laugh together or share a walk in nature.

10. Your best friend has diplomatically tried to tell you she feels concerned for you since you started dating her.

Tips for Aging Lesbians on Ways to Feel Better About Life January 17, 2012

Today is my birthday! My perspective has definitely changed dramatically as I’ve gotten older. In some ways, these changes have been wonderful. I guess it is true, that being happy is all about the way you look at things. Here are some tips that have helped me.

1. When lights burn out in the bathroom, I am not so quick to change them as long as one is burning and I can make out the outline of my face in the mirror. Right now only one light out of three is working. I look SO much better in the dim lighting that I doubt I will ever replace all three bulbs at once since heart attacks run in my family.

2. I know I should lose weight. I am 20 pounds heavier than I should be according to my mother, my college weight and my skinny clothes in the closet. But I heard if you lose weight, it makes you look older. So….for now, I am resisting the urge to lose weight, for my own good. I can cover up everything but my face and neck. So, I choose to focus on that for now.

3. Remember that each year you get older, so do all of your family and friends. You are not alone.

4. Being eccentric can be fun! The older you get, the more excuses you have to misbehave.

5. Hot flashes save energy during the winter, so older women are automatically green. You can keep the thermostat on 60 and you are plenty warm enough. The money you save on your heating bill can be used for something fun, like lighter clothing.

6. Blond hair and grey hair are the same color, as your eyes fail and you go to the salon more often.

7. Being forgetful can be useful and comes in handy to get out of doing things you really don’t want to do.

8. Forgiving family members is easier when you realize that life is short and someday they won’t be around.

9. Comfortable shoes do not make a lesbian appear frumpy, instead it simply makes her look smart and sexy for not pandering to the fashion freak show.

10. Curse words help alleviate stress and should be used in place of yoga when necessary.

Lesbians Getting Married and the Family Drama of Who to Invite January 13, 2012

In the straight world, you would never consider not inviting your mother and father. In the gay world, it might be a smart way to go.  Let’s face facts, if you aren’t comfortable kissing your beloved in front of your parents, then maybe they should not be invited. Or worse, if you think they might actually ruin the wedding or feel extremely uncomfortable with the concept of their little girl at the altar with another female, then save yourself and your partner the heartache of worrying about it.

Since a wedding is supposed to be a joyous occasion, then it seems entirely appropriate to leave the “killjoys” off the list. I know what you’re thinking. What if one of those unpleasant relatives finds out they weren’t invited. Then what? I say…so what. It’s your wedding and you should invite only the people you want. Sometimes it really is okay to do something special for yourself without thinking of absolutely everyone else first. Right?

I love my mother beyond all reason. If I felt she could handle it, I would invite her. But the truth is that it would be hard for her, which means it would put a damper on things for me. Plus I feel certain that she would struggle with coming. There would be multiple phone calls and apologies that would make me crazy. My mom often calls me several times in one hour, if she worries she hurt my feelings, or forgets to tell me something.

There is a part of me that wants mom to attend. I would love for her to meet my friends, most of whom she has never met. I would like for her to see how very “normal” (translation in mom’s terms – whitebread) my friends are. There are very few piercings, face tattoos, or bizarre haircuts. None of my friends look like the star in the movie ”The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.” I am quite sure this is what mom expects most lesbians look like at some primal level, where her southern baptist roots live.

So, I believe the only way to solve this problem is to invite friends. A good rule of thumb is definitely to use the “kiss question,” as we write up the invitation list. If you are going to feel funny kissing in front of a person, then you should not invite them to your wedding. Sounds logical, right. Kissing is such a fabulous part of life, and weddings in particular. Nothing should stop two people from kissing on their wedding day, and often.

Carpe the lesbian marriage of your dreams !

Asking for Sex – Why It Is Hard for Lesbians and Other Humans January 9, 2012

All I know for sure is that sex and love definitely make my world go ’round. For me, it is best when the sex and love come together in one pretty package. I envy people who say they can have sex as a sport of sorts. But I have never really been good at recreational sex. But I have heard good things about it and would not rule it out completely if I could figure out how it works. My problem is, if the sex is good, I fall in love, or tell myself I have fallen in love.

I have been in relationships where the sex died down to almost nothing. That always makes me feel disconnected. After too long without sex, I start feeling anxious and needy, but am unwilling to ask for sex.  Granted, I will try and let her know without using the actual words. Some things I do to let her know I am “in the mood for love” is rub her shoulders, compliment her, and sit next to her on the sofa, wedging myself between all the dogs. If she is not in the mood when I am feeling needy for sex I get a massage, watch a sexy movie, read a sexy book or fantasize about a different woman I would like to have sex with. I never want to be the “needy one.” Pride is a stupid emotion. I get that.

I guess we are all needy, but nobody wants to admit it. How strange. Showing vulnerability is really hard for me. Sometimes, I can’t help it. It is obvious and there is no hiding it.

I know most people take matters into their own hands. WINK! But that bores me. For me, it’s about the contact with another woman that makes sex satisfying. That is probably why sex is more than sport to me.

I heard a good theory on sex that made sense to me. If your partner wants sex and you’re not physically ill, you should go for it, even if you’re not in the mood. I actually think that is a good way to go. That way couples never get to that awkward place where one person feels like they are always “asking” for sex. It doesn’t get awkward. No one ever feels undesirable from being rejected.

In my “humble opinion” there would be a lot less cheating if couples followed this basic sex rule. As the saying goes, we all get our needs met one way or the other.  This is definitely something to think about. If you don’t have sex with your partner and she is a sexual person, then the problem will be solved one way or the other. Life has a way of solving problems with or without our input.

Carpe the sex!

Lesbians Under the “Hetero” Microscope January 4, 2012

There have been many occasions when I have learned indirectly about the  way ”heteros” think about lesbians. Most of the time, the assumptions are incorrect. But on occasion, they are “spot on.” I know what you’re thinking. Who cares? If I were well-adjusted and confident, I probably would not care one bit. But the truth of the matter is that at times I do care, since I am the poster child for so many of my straight friends as they try to understand lesbians. Can you say bug and microscope?

When asked if I am the girl or boy once, I answered, “we’re both girls, that’s what makes us lesbians.” I’m quite sure that my tone at the time was disgusted. I have to wonder why questions like that irritate me so much.

Another assumption that makes me a bit crazy is the belief that some “heteros” wrongly assume that lesbians are “manhaters.” Granted, I have met some lesbians that fit this stereotype, but very few. I find it interesting that simply because a woman chooses not to sleep with men, she is labeled a “manhater.”

There are many other assumptions that I learned over the years, usually by surprise. I have spent an inordinate amount of time with my mouth wide open in disbelief over the years, when friends or acquaitances shared some truly strange “insights” with me as their way of trying to connect. For instance, I learned on more than one occasion that some straight people believe that lesbians are wildly promiscuous girls up for threesomes, orgies and all other sexual adventures since we have taken that big step and changed teams. Of course those “heteros” are probably still laboring under the delusion that “homos” chose the lifestyle. That idea still cracks me up, but I know many people still believe that.

We are all unofficial spokespeople for lesbians. It is a huge responsibility that I would prefer to pass on to someone else. But it is unlikely that I will escape it until society as a whole recognizes these misconceptions and starts understanding that lesbians are very much like their sisters and mothers, and not nearly as wild and unusual as they might believe.

 

Carpe the opportunity to educate the “heteros!”

 

To Write a Lesbian Book or Not December 31, 2011

What is it about a new year that makes us all reflect so much. After going out last night to see the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, I must admit I got to thinking about great literature and movies and why exactly that movie and book sticks with you. I actually had trouble getting into the book at first. The guy writes with a tremendous amount of detail, which tends to lose me unless it is done with a certain amount of pizzazz. Since my dream is to write a great book, it makes sense that I ponder the whys of a good book. I have written 2 mediocre books so far, so I am trying to step my game up a bit. I am in the middle of writing a third book, but have gotten bored with it. If I am bored with it as the creator, I must accept the fact that it can’t be all that good.

Getting into the zone and staying there long enough to create something worthwhile and “moving” is certainly the biggest part of success for creative types. When I factor in my own version of ADD and also try to make a living along the way, it seems to sap my motivation at some level. I keep thinking that someday when I retire, then I will have the time to write a fabulous book. But I don’t really want to wait that long. I want my mother to read it. So I need to get cracking.

When I consider that my mother will not be all that happy about reading a “lesbian” book, then I find myself getting upset. I guess I want to write a book about women, because women are what make my world go around. But then, if it gets too “lesbian”, my mother will never read it. I know that about her. I guess I have to admit that in some way I am still trying to show mom that I am a real writer and that she can be proud of me for that. Believe me, I know how pathetic that sounds.

Since I write for a living, I guess I have the right to claim that I am a writer. But, writing business articles does little to really move anyone to tears or laughter, which is what I want to do. I know how much I appreciate reading a great book. I want to do that for other people, at least once.

So now I have to decide what type of book to write, one for myself about my world (lesbian), or a different type of book that will appeal to the mass public. The experts say to write what you know. So I guess I have my answer.

Happy New Year!

How to Make a Lesbian Fruitcake December 23, 2011

First off, let me qualify this blog as something that you should not try at home. Making a lesbian fruitcake should be left to the professional lesbians. And eating lesbian fruitcake can most certainly be hazardous to your health. Let’s face it, we have all indulged at one time or another, if we have met more than two lesbians in our life and tried to live with either of them.

Ingredients Required

two or more lesbians, an opportunity to talk, grain alcohol (marijuana can be substituted here)

1. Step One – Mix two lesbians together and add a tablespoon of stress. You can substitute jealousy or a holiday event for stress and get the same results. Or you can add a teaspoon of neurosis for an added kick.
2. Next mix in four or five shots of alcohol, the more the better
3. Then stir
4. Bake at 350 for two hours while stirring the alcohol occasionally for complete saturation
5. Then take the lesbian fruitcake out of the oven. The best way to test to see if it is done is to taste it.
6. If the fruitcake tastes bitter one minute, then sweet the next, completely confusing the taster, then you have  mastered the lesbian fruitcake. Unpredicability with each bite is the distinguishing characteristic of the lesbian fruitcake.
7. Allow the fruitcake to cool before eating. It is very easy to get burned otherwise. Even after the fruitcake cools, there is a chance the ingredients will sour quickly, leaving nothing but a huge mess to clean up.

Lesbian fruitcakes are abundant during the holiday season and are also quite easy to bake any time of the year. The ingredients are also readily available too if you shop in metropolitan areas.

Carpe a lesbian fruitcake….tis the season!

Warning: Lesbian fruitcakes make terrible gifts. They are typically chewy and tough when overcooked and syrupy sweet when undercooked.

Time to Get a New Best Friend (By Guest Blogger, Sandra Arabia) December 22, 2011

So You Picked The Same Partner AGAIN!

The adage ‘History Repeats Itself’ is confirmed by simply reading what has gone before us in the writings of mankind’s history. Another adage is the definition of insanity, ‘Repeating the same behavior expecting different results’. Both can be applicable when choosing mates. In youth, most of us take a ride on the partnership carousel.  We ride for a time. We get off sometimes by our choice, sometimes by the choice of the other.  Each time altered. Youth enjoys that luxury and quickly recovers.

As we progress, whether it is a few or many joinings,, the question has to be ‘why’. Outwardly the chosen partners may not have any similarities whatsoever.  More than likely there will be visual, physical, intellectual, and even gender differences. However, if you look closely you will discover the thread of similarity.  What we don’t see is our ‘personal pattern’. Whether we chose or were chosen doesn’t matter, we went along.  Regardless, if a short or long term union the result is still the same: the break-up. 

Where did it go wrong? Where can I put the blame? It was not my fault! This time I did everything right! What we don’t see is there is no right or wrong, often no real blame, no fault, not this time. If there is fault to learn from, it is the fault of not knowing what in our makeup draws us to choosing the same partner over and over again and not anticipating the same outcome.  The answer to the dilemma is not ‘them’ ,it is us.  We don’t see our pattern of selection, the repeat of history, the definition of insanity. Now I am not saying we are insane, just maybe a little less knowledgeable of our true self.

I get fighting for a relationship, just not metaphorically killing ones ‘self for a relationship.  If I am to come out whole and not repeat the same behavior, I must take on a new relationship.  I must court, enjoy, and foremost be honest with the person and then make a long term commitment. That person is in my life right now.  It’s me.  

So for any that are in this space, don’t waste your time trying to understand.  Instead, get to know your best friend who has been with you from the beginning and will be with you at the end! She will never abandon you so don’t abandon her.

And for goodness sake pick her a better partner; she is dizzy and sick of this carousel! 

 

Taming the Grinch in Your Life – It’s Not Easy Being Green December 16, 2011

I love learning how to handle people by watching others. All I know for sure is that I constantly find myself in situations where I am unsure about what to do. I am a hyper sensitive person (Translation – anxiety riddled). It’s not pretty. Every move you make, a secret roll of your eyes, or the slightest hint of a sigh will be noticed. I am certain I wear my girlfriends out with my inability to screen out even the smallest bit of  emotional data. This acute sense of other’s feelings makes me a great hostess, marketing person, customer service manager and writer (at least in my own head). It also makes me a pain in the ass who has a hard time relaxing, since I worry all the time. Can you say exhausting?

One of the coolest things I ever learned, I learned from an ex’s mother. Her husband was a grouchy alcoholic, who quite literally growled at others. You know the type. He wore a permanent grimace on his lips and seemed to take pleasure in other people’s hardship. He was a true Grinch incarnate. One morning when we were visiting her family, the guy started growling and complaining to his wife. I remember the peach fuzz on the back of my neck standing up in anticipation of a full-blown fight. I was ready to throw a pot or pan at the guy myself. That’s when I learned my lesson. In mid-growl, his wife took his hand in hers, looked into his eyes and gave him the sweetest, most touching kiss I have ever seen.

The sourpuss of a guy literally melted right in front of me. He smiled at his wife like a man looking at an angel. For one brief moment, the love got through to him and he stopped bitching. It did not last for long. But there was that magical miracle of a moment when I am certain I witnessed pure “light”. I remember the tears coming unexpectantly. That’s what always happens to me when I am privy to something truly touching. Diabetes alert!

So now, when I have the good sense to remember this event, I try to tame the grinches in my life by blinding them with love. It doesn’t always work, and I don’t always remember to use this great power I have learned about. But if you find yourself at a loss dealing with a Grinch, you might want to try this technique. Think of it as a much-needed holiday gift for someone who probably needs it desperately.

For those unsure about the one who needs that kiss – here is a list of Grinch-like behavior.

1. She takes great pleasure in criticizing others!

2. She over does it with food, alcohol and other destructive behaviors as a part of her normal routine.

3. She wears a permanent scowl on her face.

4. She interprets information received in the darkest possible way.

5. Her egg nog glass is always half empty.

6. She expects the worst in people.

7. She has a hard time feeling compassion for others.

8. She enjoys hearing about trouble in people’s life.

9. She focuses on the past instead of the future.

10. People avoid her like the plague.