We Need More Lesbian Hangouts – I Miss Bellissima February 27, 2012

I rarely went to Bellissima but I loved knowing it was there. I guess I went about 5 or 6 times a year, and it was usually for a Fourth Tuesday mixer or something like that. Shame on me I guess for not supporting it more. But hanging out at a bar is not that productive for me. I know My Sisters’ Room is still around, but it is too young for me so I am not comfortable there.

I wish Atlanta lesbians had a coffee house or gym where you could drop in and hangout if you chose to do so. With restaurants and other retail establishments folding right and left in this sick economy, I guess it should be no surprise that lesbian hangouts are shrinking. I used to like Paris too. It was small and cozy.

No doubt there is some truth in the fact that lesbians are nesters and seem to stay home a lot once they are coupled up. I know that my girl and I aren’t into the bar scene. But I would love to have a place where we could hangout in the daytime and get coffee or a sandwich and be around other lesbians.

Granted I think Fourth Tuesday events are great and I try to attend a few of those when it works out. But there is something wonderful about spontaneity. I am not a huge planner and so I love the idea of a last minute place where you could go just to get a cup of coffee and meet other women in a relaxed environment.

Anybody who is interested in discussing this, please contact me at lesbianwink@gmail.com. Who knows. If a few of us are thinking the same way, maybe we could come up with something.

Carpe community!

Living in Denial as a Survival Skill February 23, 2012

Ever since Ellen landed her own talk show, I let my guard down, falsely believing that lesbians had crossed over into general respectability. I blame it on the wine. What was I thinking. Then a guy like Santorum shows up to run for the highest office in the land and gets a lot of votes, and I realize that I am living in my own little make-believe world. Lesbians and gays are not as far along as I wanted to believe. Oopsy, my bad.

I know. I am breaking my own rule about discussing politics. What do I know. If there were any justice in the world, the Republican Party would simply sit this election out. I mean, really. If their first string is Romney, Gingrich and Santorum, can’t we all agree that the party needs to do some aggressive recruiting. Many Republicans I know are shaking their heads in disbelief.

What scares me the most about the upcoming election is that one of these Republicans could become President. As far-fetched as that should be, I know it could happen. I remember how shocked I was when George Bush got elected for a second term. Can you say clinical depression. I slept for days, wanting to hide.

For now I am going to think positive, hoping with all that I am; that Americans are not so stupid as to vote any one of these guys in to office. If one of them does get elected, I will seriously think about leaving the country. I’m thinking Europe since I don’t like Mexican food, and Canada is way too cold for me. If I am so out of pace with my own country that one of these guys could be elected, then I must admit that I don’t belong here.

I have my fingers crossed for Obama. While Hilary was my first pick, I got completely onboard with Obama after Hilary dropped out. The more I listened to Obama, the more I liked him. I think he is the “real deal.”

Carpe the smart politician. Reject stupidity!

Choosing Your Battles…. or Not February 19, 2012

The wedding invitations went out in the mail today. I chickened out and did not invite my Mother to my upcoming nuptials. I went back and forth about 100 times, sometimes changing my mind by the minute. But I opted for making this easier on all three of us, deciding that I did not want to add any negative drama to the day, deciding instead to keep the ceremony light and uplifting. Plus I love Mom and don’t want to place any more stress on her than I already have. As it turns out, I have been a high maintenance daughter in many ways.

I may have sold my Mother short, not giving her the opportunity to be “up” for her daughter marrying another woman. Part of my reasoning is based on a recent disparaging comment she made about some woman dressed like a man marrying another woman in a dress on TV. Her tone was one of disgust. Now, admittedly, neither one of us is donning male clothing for the wedding….not that there is anything wrong with that. But…that does not mean Mom will be okay with us going through the motions of getting married. I worry that she would attend out of duty, being terribly uncomfortable during the entire event. Or even worse, she would apologize a million times for not being able to come, then feel incredibly guilty. Either way, we both lose. I love Mom too much to force her into this situation.

I guess I am tired of standing up and beating my chest, fighting always for my rights. I have done my fair share of that. So spank me now if you have to, since I refuse to do it for my wedding. Is it wrong for me to simply choose to keep this day about my beloved and me. I want the day to be pure celebration, uncomplicated by politics or agendas that would detract from a joyous expression of love and commitment. Anyone who has known the two of us and followed our ups and downs over the past two years will certainly testify that this day is a long time coming and a very special day. Our love won out over all the craziness we could dish out as two hormonal women with tempers. I think we finally wore each other out and realized that the passion is fueled by true love, that has ultimately morphed into acceptance, finally.

I love my Mother and praise her for the support she has given the two of us. She has been there for me for many years now, being supportive of my lifestyle in little ways, the ways that come naturally for her. So I decided that ultimately there was nothing to gain by pushing her into a situation that would make her uncomfortable. Sometimes it is kinder to give another person a break and not expect them to constantly “rise” to the occasion and live by your rules, meeting your expectations. She has certainly made some serious progress over the years, but she is still not what anyone would call a forward thinker. But, to push her into attending my wedding out of guilt seems mean to me. And I don’t think my beloved wants me focusing or worrying about my Mother, on “our” day. I know many believe I should invite my Mother, making this wedding about bigger issues. But I can’t disagree more.

For me, there is a time and a place for all battles. I guess I decided that my wedding day is not the day I choose to hold battle with anyone over gay and lesbian rights. It’s not about that, for me. It’s about celebrating love. Love for me and my brown-eyed girl. Love for all things wonderful and lasting. In that spirit, showing love for my Mother means not forcing her into a situation she is not ready for.

Carpe the right battles at the right times.

My Personal “Three Strikes You’re Out” Friendship Justice February 16, 2012

I am writing this blog on the heels of  feeling like I need to get a bit tougher with certain people in my life. Sometimes I let people take advantage of me. This makes my “significant other” angry. I tend to shrug off  ”slights” and other friendship misdemeanors, trying not to make a big deal about things. I know how much it irritates me when other people go postal over petty things, so I guess I am overly cautious not to be  “that” person. Plus, I don’t expect perfection from others, hoping they give me the same break now and again on those rare occasions when I am less than perfect.

My inability to confront people who are not treating me well has been an ongoing issue for me. I get mad at myself at times and seem to lack the ability to put my foot down. Then I tend to overreact when I have finally had enough. When I do finally get angry, people are always shocked. And when I say people, I mean almost everyone who knows me.  Most people think I am “sweet.” They are right most of the time. I am simply thankful people can’t read my mind. It would ruin that “sweet” image I have been working on for so many years.

When I am hurt or angry, I am much more likely to simply disappear from sight, not returning phone calls or meeting up with people who have pushed me too far. I guess I am not really interested in confrontation. I am certain there are people who wonder why I dropped the friendship so fast. For me, I expect friends to be considerate and kind, always. I have my own “three strikes you’re out” sort of  justice system I guess.

Of course, if letting a friendship go is more painful than keeping them in my life, then they come under my “ten strikes you’re out” system, to be extended as necessary. You know what I mean. I have one friend that I love dearly that is at about ten strikes and counting. He would probably have to kill one of my dogs to be kicked to the curb. And, of course, he would never do anything like that. The truth is that I love him.

I know most people believe they love all of their friends. I would not say that is true for me. I like most of my friends, and love two or three of them. Plus, I tend to give guys more of a handicap because I believe they play by different rules than women, and simply don’t understand how their words and deeds impact us. I know. Don’t spank me for being sexist. We all know that guys are often clueless about subtleties. That gives them a handicap of at least four or five strikes, to be fair. “They know not what they do.” Seriously. You know I’m right.

I have heard it said that if you have “one” true friend in the world, you are very lucky. I believe this is true. I have two true friends that I could count on, always. I feel truly blessed to have met them. I recently met a new friend that seems like a big “keeper.” I am excited about her, and fully expect the friendship to last and deepen.

I know keeping score is not recommended. But, we all do it, sort of informally, don’t we? I mean I don’t really count every issue that pops up. These are just estimates on my part. I understand that friendship is a two-way street and that every person must bring something to the party. For me, I am a great listener and love to laugh at most jokes. Plus I live near the Farmer’s Market and always bring some wine to the party for those times I am not feeling particularly social or easy-going.

Carpe the art of forgiveness as long as possible, then let them go when necessary for your own peace of mind.

How I Knew She Was My “Forever” Valentine February 14, 2012

Wherever you are,

is where I belong,

inspired by affection,

embraced by your wit,

swimming in brown eyes,

warm, sentiment,

forever forgiven,

again and again,

provoked and unbridled,

passion insane,

where laughter and joy,

mock boring refrains,

and dreams are pursued,

spared apologies pain,

and changed all the rules,

a shared life embraced.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Beware the Lesbian Homewrecker February 10, 2012

We have all met a lesbian who jumps from relationship to relationship as effortlessly and mindlessly as some women buy new shoes. As long as no one gets hurt, so what, right? But what about those women who befriend couples and then single one of the women out as her next partner, only to proceed on a mission to break the couple up. Yikes! Can you say evil. The question is how do you handle this situation when you see this scary lesbian target your girlfriend as the next notch on her belt?

When I contemplate situations like this, I vacillate between talking myself into ignoring it, as I should, or going to the other extreme and trying to shut this homewrecker out of our lives without being too obvious. But, what if she is charming and your wife likes her. Let’s face facts. Attention is an aphrodisiac like no other. Then what do you do?

In my more sane moments, I say to myself that I have no control over these types of situations and that if my wife would leave me for “another” simply because some other lesbian pays her some attention, then it is better to find out and let her go. Unfortunately this rational, well-balanced inner voice is sometimes forced aside by a more controlling and angry voice that also resides in my consciousness. That negative voice can take me to some pretty dark places. Be thankful,  that you can’t make me share some of my worst thoughts. Suffice it to say, they aren’t all legal, or even moral for that matter. (wink) 

But who am I kidding. I’m not really a very tough person. I don’t even fake being tough that well. Although my mother once told me that I gave her a certain look as a teenager that was as so mean and scary she could not believe it was me. I think that happened when she told me I could not spend the night at my girlfriend’s house anymore after she walked in on us kissing. So now you understand why I was so out of sorts.

Back to my point, I know I had one. I guess I will have to rely on good old-fashioned KARMA as my only cosmic way to get even with someone who would dare try to break up my relationship. Plus I have to trust that my beloved does love me and recognizes what is going on. My worries are probably unwarranted. I guess my concern stems from the fact that I know I am not a “perfect” partner and how attractive a new shiny penny can be at first glance. I have a bad back and I have been known to go to the trouble to lean over and pick up a new penny winking back at me.

I keep telling myself that I must always trust my intuition, but not react to it. I can not control other people and what they do. I can only control myself. Now I will remind myself of that fact every day, and just maybe I will be able to keep myself in line.

Carpe the voice of reason you hear inside, even when it is very faint.

Acceptance by Sandra E. Arabia (Guest Blogger) February 7, 2012

Excerpt from “A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To Depression…” by Sandra E. Arabia

To figure out when someone is over you is pretty cut and dry to figure out: they move on. How do you benchmark when you are over them?

To gauge myself I have just re-read Resolve.  Glad to say, did ‘jump’ and stayed firm. 

What is interesting is even when you shed anger, blame, resentment and any possibility of hope; you seem to have difficulty with acceptance.  Not with your single status, that’s a given. You take complete charge of yourself.  You admire your personal strength. You schedule life’s daily battles and solve challenging problems with efficiency. You stay on top of things. You do not procrastinate, because if you have learned anything, you have learned that there may not be a tomorrow. 

You avoid old neighborhood streets and squares for fear of memories, or running into her and her new interest. You avoid mutual acquaintances because of the anxiety of saying something or hearing something painful or hurtful.  Yes, you modify every part of your life. You are the same person, but altered. Most times you handle it all.  You recognize that the ‘dust has settled’ obscuring the footprints of the past. Soon they will be invisible.

However, in those moments when one’s sub-conscious reigns freely, you forget. Just before falling asleep, you reach for a hand, forgetting that the hand has been taken away. Your heart actually feels pain. At dawn before you have opened your eyes and hear soft breathing, you forget it’s the dog and not her.  Yes, at times you almost weep.

But stay firm in resolve; you are very close to acceptance. It just takes more time for your emotions to synch with your brain. 

For me, I am on the bridge. Although there is a ‘toll,’ I have the coinage.  How do I know for sure? If I was replaced so quickly, then I too, if not replaced, will be firm in a state of acceptance. It will take a little longer for my psyche to mesh, but it will.  She has proven it can be done. She is happy. She is fulfilled. I will follow her example.

Yep, thought with resolve the work would be over, but was blind-sided with true acceptance.  So be warned. As they say on Big Brother, “Expect the unexpected”.  Continue to get to know your best friend, yourself, and you are going to be just fine….at least I think so (smile). So for anyone following my journey, please share what has worked for you.

Superbowl Hype- Great Food, Party, Commercials…and Football for Some February 3, 2012

I am not a huge football fan. But I do love a great party. I will be weighing in on the commercials too. What is it about the Superbowl that inspires such a great party? For me, it is simply a great excuse to drink and eat guacamole and french onion dip with friends and perfect strangers. I totally believe that adage about the people making the party.

This year I am trying something new. I am attending the Fourth Tuesday Party. Last year I hung out with my gay guy friends. But I am making more of an effort to make more “girl” friends, since my girl and I mostly have guy friends and a few straight buddies, but few lesbian pals. I guess I am missing lesbian friends and feel like something is missing in my life. Plus my guy friends take the football part of the Superbowl way too seriously. That kind of attitude can ruin a perfectly good party.

Back in college, I felt the same way about football. People don’t think of Georgia Tech as a party school. But I can truthfully say, they are wrong – particularly during football season. Of course, there were a lot of guys who would get sullen if Tech lost. For me, I rarely remembered the score. I always sat in the flash card section because the guy I dated (and married eventually) always got frat seats right in the middle of the field. That meant a lot to him, since he actually watched the game. Of course, I agree that winning is better than losing. But, losing does not ruin my day, or my own “personal” party.

I know there are die-hard football fans who probably find my musings to be sacrilegious. I blame my lack of interest in the actual football game on the fact that the game seems like a bunch of brutes “acting out.” There’s simply too much testosterone in this sport for my taste. Tennis anyone? Now there’s a sport I love to watch….women’s tennis rocks!

When I was a kid I actually had a football uniform that I talked Santa into bringing me for Christmas. I loved playing football with the kids in the neighborhood. Mom made me stop playing when I was a bout 11. I came in with a bloody nose, bleeding all over the place after getting hurt. Mom freaked out and banned me from playing at that point. I’ve never felt the same about the sport since.

But I do believe in the party, always. Celebrating life is a passion of mine. I work a lot of hours, so I relish the opportunity to have a wonderful, fleeting diversion for a few hours.

Carpe the party!

Learning to Fight Fair for Lesbian Relationship Survival February 2, 2012

Fighting with your beloved is something you need to learn how to do well. And when I say well, I mean strategically. There have to be ground rules established at a time when you aren’t angry with each other, if possible. Let’s face it, if you go for the throat in an argument, the relationship will suffer. For survival, sometimes it is best to go mute, like a bad television commercial turned off with a remote control.

Power struggles abound in lesbian relationships. If you ever become disagreeable, which is code speak for not completely agreeing with some women on absolutely everything imaginable, then you might be accused of being mean. To my way of thinking, being mean infers an element of cruelty. If you happen to disagree with your beloved about something, does that make you cruel? Or does it simply mean you have an opinion and you aren’t brain-dead. 

Aren’t we all allowed an opinion as free-thinking adults? If I agree with her all the time, what does that mean? And who wants to be that person? And more importantly, what type of person wants to be with a deaf-mute, who has no opinion? Can lesbians be yes men/women? Can you say BORING? The real question is how do you disagree with a lesbian without causing unwanted fireworks and drama?

I know I can be sarcastic. Guilty as charged. I am working on that. But I also get irritated at times when I am ignored or my opinion is discounted completely. I will admit that I am accommodating to a fault about 90% of the time. I blame myself for that. Can you say STUPID? It seems if you are overly accommodating, then people expect you to always be that way. So when you do assert yourself, they are SO confused by the fact that you have asserted yourself, that they get upset. Maybe it is the element of surprise that causes the problem.

So I have decided that with some people, you must constantly assert yourself, or risk giving them the wrong impression. Being easy-going does not work in all situations. With some people, if you are too agreeable and easy-going then they take offense when you do stand up at some point and voice a strong opinion.

Carpe your voice or risk losing it altogether!

Synching Up with Your Favorite Lesbian – Food Wise January 31, 2012

It is certainly easier if you and your beloved like the same kind of food. I must admit that my sweetie has been very patient with me and my picky eating habits. I am allergic to a bunch of stuff, some I know about, some I don’t. So, cooking for me is a big hassle. Then on top of the allergies, I am trying to eat a vegan/vegetarian diet so I won’t have to take cholesterol medicine, like my doctor tells me I need to. My numbers stay decent when I skip the meat.

Plus I saw some videos about the animal abuse that goes on in the food processing industry and now I have a different perspective about eating meat. “No judgement here.” The horrible videos gave me a close-up view of some pretty sick stuff. I don’t know what possessed me to watch them. But I did, and now I can’t shake them from my mind. Please know, that I fully expect to be mocked for not eating meat. It has already happened. I don’t know why people care SO much about what I eat. For me, it sort of feels the same as when people judge me for whom I sleep with.

I know how boring it is when people talk about health woes, so I will stop. Needless to say, I have to take a moment and recognize the fact that my beloved has decided to try and be vegetarian with me. I know what you’re thinking if you are a die-hard meat eater. It was hard for me to give up meat too. I cheated all the time before seeing the videos. But I have recommitted to being vegetarian for several reasons, leaning towards the hard-core vegan option now, which is something I would have never considered two weeks ago.

Needless to say, my girl and I love to eat. We have a system that has been working. She cooks and then I compliment her unbelievable cooking abilities and clean up the mess in the kitchen. Since eating is a wonderful way to connect, it will be easier now that I do not feel guilty about saying I don’t want to eat beef stew or chicken. Plus, we both get the added health benefits. This will hopefully keep me off the Benedryl, which I carry in my wallet. Those little pink pills have kept me out of the emergency room on several occasions.

Wish us luck on this grand new experiment. The challenge will be learning how to cook this way so that the meals are satisfying, before giving up because it is a hassle. I see this situation as a race of sorts. I am not a cook, so I know I probably need to pick up a vegan cookbook to give us a fighting chance. My girl loves to cook, but when she is tired, it will be difficult for her to want to dive into something new.

Now, if I could only give up sugar. I have tried agave, but it did not turn me on. Plus it is super sticky and makes a mess. Honey works well in some things, but can you bake a cake with it? I learned this past year that if you bake a cake without eggs, it falls apart. Don’t get me wrong. I still ate every bite of it. But it wasn’t pretty to look at, that’s for sure.

Carpe life’s important experiments!