When I first realized I was attracted to girls/women, I was about 11 years old. I did not have any idea what to do with this information at the time. As a little girl, it was not difficult to surround myself with little girls. Some days I would get lucky (In “G-rated”, little girl terms) and I’d be kissed or hugged within an inch of my life, as a passive receiver of these wonderful gifts. Those were my first signs!
Then when I got to High School, things got more confusing. I understood that people would be mean to me if I ever let them know how much I loved my girlfriends, especially one girl in particular. Even with all the knowledge that I would be bullied or mistreated if people knew about me, never once did I think it was wrong for me to be this way. I was arrogant that way – always felt I knew right from wrong, and trusted my own internal voice even when it said things counter to what the world told me. That was my biggest sign!
Other signs from the Universe had pulses and names. I would spend the night with them on Saturday night, after going on a date with a guy. I did not want to be left out when it came to proms or events, so I dated guys too. Of course I would have preferred dating girls only, but I was not ready to take on the world yet, or my family.
After I had my heart-broken in College by my first true love, who said “it was time to grow up and that we needed to see guys and get married,” I gave up girls for a few years. During that time I lost my way, got married to a nice man, and tried to “fit in” to the world. I listened to the world about why I should not be myself and shut out all the wonderful signs that were all around, if only I were looking for them.
Then the universe sent me another sign. I joined my college softball team and almost every girl on my team was a card-carrying lesbian. At first, they were not super friendly to me. After all, in their mind I was not “one of them.” I had the obligatory wedding ring on which certainly threw them off. Finally, I understood there were a lot of “us” in the world and it wasn’t just a few “misguided and tortured” souls who did not fit the heterosexual mold.
Then after years of searching and many wonderful relationships that were more good than bad, I found my beloved. We struggled at first. I blame myself. (Lol) But then, we finally decided not to kill each other after all in a fit of menopausal rage. And we lived happily ever after…or that’s the plan.
Lesbian Wink 