Is It True – You Can’t Go Home Again April 14, 2010

     Yesterday I was going through a box of stuff looking for an old address book when I found myself lingering over cards my ex gave me. The cards were sweet and seem to mean more to me now than they probably did at the time. The promises of undying love and growing old together haunt me today, like the perfect rainy day that forces you inside to think even when you try to resist the urge, for fear you’ll dredge up strong feelings you’d rather not endure.

     Bravery is not something I know much about. What can I say. I write bad poetry and wallow in the “perfect” moments I have been lucky enough to experience, like the way she cocked her head and uttered the words I love you for that first time, with a catch in her throat and shiny, wet eyes. These are the things I choose to experience as often as I can, when I slow down to a pace that does not swallow me whole.

     The tears eventually came as I remembered the good times we shared and how perfect our life together had been for so many years.  Like so many things in life, perspective has afforded me a chance to realize how truly happy I was, before the sex stopped and the finger-pointing began. I find myself contemplating that song by Cher, “if I could turn back time,” wondering how I could have sidestepped our breakup, saving us from that pain, from that loss.

     Knowing what I know now about the upcoming real estate bust and other factors that would eventually force my ex and I into opposing corners, I would do things differently. As the saying goes, hindsight is 20/20. I hate what happened and worry we will never be friends. There is a hole in my heart where she once lived. I have tried to fill it with new love, alcohol and interesting hobbies. Unfortunately, this tactic only works for a short while, until I see a garage sale sign, reminding me of the one unique hobby we had and shared on every warm Saturday morning.

     The new love I’ve been lucky enough to find goes a long way towards healing that homesick feeling I experience whenever I think about my old life. I suspect we are forever changed each time we walk away from a woman we truly love. I wonder if the saying, you can’t go home again, is true. I suspect that it is.

5 Failproof, Good, and Subtle Ways to Flirt with a Lesbian March 23, 2010

     Flirting is my favorite sport. That probably explains why I need to lose ten pounds. I should be running more, and flirting less. Flirting does not typically burn a lot of calories. If you’re lucky though, what follows your best “moves” can crank your metabolism and get those “good-feeling” endorphins rushing around your body, leaving you giddy and satisfied. Even if you’re “married,” a little harmless flirting is good for the soul. It’s always good to keep in practice, so you know you’ve still got it.

Subtle and Safe Ways to Flirt with Her

1. Pay her a simple and sincere compliment without gushing. If you can’t think of a sincere compliment, then you should not be flirting with her, move on to another woman. Good Examples: Nice bike. Nice dog. Nice earrings. Bad Examples: Nice jugs. Nice legs. Nice lips.

2. Ask her a question about something she obviously cares about to get her talking about herself or her interests. Good Examples: How do you like that book? I see you have a Prius, how does it drive? Your garden is lovely, what’s your secret? Bad Examples: Your lips are beautiful, where did you get them done? How do you manage to drink so much and stay that thin? You’re a republican, but why?

3. Engage her by asking her for an easy favor that compliments her. The key is that the favor has to be a pleasurable and easy request that takes no effort at all. Good Examples: Your dog is so adorable, can I hold her? That entrée you ordered looks delicious, can I try a bite? Those roses you planted are gorgeous, would you give me some advice about how to grow them, I’ve never had any luck. Bad Examples: Your dog is so adorable, would you mind if I kept her for the weekend? That pie you brought to the book group was delicious, would you make me one? You are so good with numbers, would you do my taxes?

4. Do Something Thoughtful or Neighborly for Her without Her Asking – The important key to getting this right is that it has to seem like it was easy for you to do, so she doesn’t feel guilty about your doing it or weird because she thinks you’re hitting on her. The thought you want to leave her with is…she was so sweet to do that.  She sure is nice. Good Examples: When you make a pie/cake, make one for her too, then give it to her explaining that you had enough ingredients for two pies/cakes, so you thought you’d go ahead and make another one for her, instead of wasting the ingredients. Take her some tomatoes, fresh squash or other fresh produce from your garden or from the farmer’s market, explaining you can’t eat them all before they go bad and you thought she might enjoy them. Bad Examples: Pick up a dozen roses for her. Wash and wax her car, spending hours and making a big fuss about it. Paint her house.

5. Reinforce the fact that you remember things she’s mentioned and remember what she likes or cares about, by responding in kind. The key to doing this correctly is to make it a nice, simple gesture. Good Examples: Pass along an article related to something you know she cares about. Mention an upcoming TV show that you hear about related to something she is interested in. If you can sincerely do this, express an interest in something she cares about and ask her for advice about how to get more info or how to get involved, etc…. Bad Examples: Spam her daily with articles/info about something she cares about. Buy her an expensive gift that you know she has longed for. Memorize everything you can about her area of interest, then ask her to coffee and try to impress her with all you know by talking non-stop about the subject.

Leash Your Lesbian, If You Dare February 25, 2010

     To say I don’t like living on a short leash is an understatement. Maybe the word indignant describes the way I feel about someone or something tied around my neck to restrain me. I gave up on Corporate America because of my last irrational boss in 2006, and I will always give up on any woman who tries to control me like she owns me.

     The simple fact of the matter is that I am uncontrollable for the most part. I’m not bragging, as this stubborn aspect to my personality has caused me much heartache. Maybe we all want the safety of the box at times, so we aren’t constantly on guard and trying to figure out how to get out. Can you say, exhausting. Maybe the trick to keeping someone like me in line is to make the box so damned attractive and flexible, that I never really know I’m residing inside it.

     I see lesbians on leashes. They seem happy, knowing exactly how far they can go. They smile knowing that their owner/wife/girlfriend is holding on to them to keep them from running amuck, to keep them safe. Many of these lesbians appear to be at peace. God bless them. I envy them their bliss. If I could, I would go in for some rewiring for my own good. But then, I’m not an appliance and I am philosophically opposed to taking drugs that strong.

     When I first came out of the closet in upstate New York, one of the first things that happened to me could have been prevented, had the “other” lesbo been on a shorter leash. I was out in the “young” lesbo bar located in Albany, New York, in my twenties, giddy over the girl sitting next to me. She flirted shamelessly and ended up with her arm thrown around my neck after a couple of drinks, kissing me. We had met only an hour earlier. Don’t say it. I was young and thought the word whore was a compliment, as clear evidence of my irresistability.

     At the time, I assumed the girl kissing me was single. She was there alone, smooching on me, telling me everything a girl longs to hear. Then the next thing I knew, a woman I had never seen before, comes up to me yelling, and throws a punch at me. Imagine my shock. For one, I didn’t know girls were allowed to hit. And secondly, I didn’t understand why she was trying to hit me. My paradise of a few moments earlier was crumbling. Yikes!

     As the other girls at the bar pulled this wild lesbo off me, the ugly truth became apparent. The woman I was in a liplock with evidently was two- timing her girlfriend with me. I was an innocent at the time, but Ellie, her girlfriend was intent on bringing me up to speed. I can still see the venom in her eyes and hear the curse words in my head. That was the first time I had ever even heard anyone say the “C” word out loud. My mother would have fainted. I almost did myself.

     Maybe in this one case, Lori, the girl I had liked, would have benefitted from being on a shorter leash. But the truth is, if you have to leash your lesbian, then it’s time to rethink the type of partner she is. If she’s prone to wandering off, no leash will hold her in place. Of course, it is only human nature to try to hold on to what you think is yours. But maybe, that’s where the error in the thinking starts.

     It is really quite freeing to realize that you have little control over another person, and that she will stay as long as she WANTS to, and not a minute more. Putting a leash around her neck will probably only serve to make her resist the restraints, that she may actually appreciate without the evidence of the leash to remind her that she’s tied down. But what do I know. The mystery is always in the metaphor.

Do Open Relationships Make Sense February 17, 2010

     I never really thought much about the idea of having an open relationship until I started spending a lot of time with a gay friend of mine. He has been with the same man for well over a decade and part of their secret to success is that they have an open relationship. Intellectually, the idea intrigued me, but emotionally I could not imagine sharing my true love with anybody else.

     Picture this if you can. One partner meets her lover while her better half stays home, waiting for her beloved to return from a sexual rendezvous. Now, I don’t know about you, but I don’t see this happening in my lifetime for me. But then, I can be jealous if pushed. But rather than show you I’m jealous, I’ll usually act out in some other way. When I’m angry or hurt, I get quiet. Pouting was big in my family.

     With most lesbos inability to completely separate love from sex, I can’t imagine how an open relationship could work. To my surprise though, there seems to be a trend among younger lesbos to consider an open relationship. The reason I know this is because of the questionnaires from the dating site, LesbianWinkMatchmaker.com. Many of the kids in the 18-24 category answered that they are interested in an open relationship, unlike their older, single counterparts, who are mainly saying they want a partner or monogamous dating situation.

     As you consider the way many lesbians date, open relationships don’t seem so far-fetched, with women often having multiple sexual partners, before settling down with one favored woman for marital bliss or exclusive dating. I believe the decision to date one woman exclusively often happens after that first, “I love you,” is uttered. Personally, I would feel very weird doing the nasty with anyone other than the woman I proclaimed love to, even if I could. But hey, in some ways, I am my Mother’s daughter. Mom’s a conservative Southern Baptist. Believe me, I’m not bragging here.

     In a perfect world, where rationality trumped emotional chaos, we’d all benefit from an open relationship as the perfect balance between the excitement of a new physical fling, and the stability and committment of a long-term relationship. Can you have your cake and eat it too? Some people evidently can. I envy them their progressive lifestyle, although I doubt I will ever be that secure or well-adjusted. Unfortunately I have not evolved enough to be able to intellectually compartmentalize my love life. But I can always dream.

Lesbian and Hetero Imposter Head Games February 15, 2010

     I bet few lesbians who came out over ten years ago, would ever believe there are women in our society who behave like a lesbian when they’re not. Well, believe me when I say, they’re out there, or at least the pretenders can fool you into believing they’re straight.  When push comes to shove, they’ll seduce you, then retreat back to their hetero alter ego as they see fit. It’s a messy business trying to decide who the imposters are, but it is a deception most of us will run into, either directly or indirectly.

     No, I’m not being silly and playing head games with you, but the type of woman I am referring to in this blog will certainly not be as kind. The truth of the matter on many occasions is that she is wrestling with coming out herself, or worse, will sleep with a lesbo victim on occasion to get her fix, then disappear back into straight life, assuming her cowardly status as a so-called heterosexual woman.

     On one such occasion, back in my twenties, when I met a woman like this, she literally attacked me in the ladies room of the midtown restaurant, Vickery’s after a Christmas party. My ex-partner had invited me to her corporate holiday party. About ten of us had headed to Vickery’s after the party, and this fraud of a straight girl was one of them. I caught her staring at me at the table, and kept wiping my mouth thinking I must have something in my teeth or on my chin, that caused her to focus on me so. When she wouldn’t stop staring, I decided to go to the ladies room and check it out once and for all. So sue me already. I can be self-conscious about such things.

     I excused myself from the table and walked to the ladies room to get a good look at myself in a mirror, sure that there was a logical explanation for this unwanted attention. I walked into the bathroom and got in front of the sink, opening my mouth in a clinical smile to examine my teeth. I saw nothing.

     Then, much to my surprise, the woman who had been staring at me walked into the bathroom. I must admit, had I believed she was “family”, I would have loved her stares, as I found her very attractive in that clean, blond, virginal way that I love. It took everything I had to not ask her why she had been staring. But then she answered my question for me.

     She came up behind me and kissed me gently on the nape of the neck. I swear, I’m not making this up. And no, this type of thing rarely happens to me. Shocked, I jumped, then turned to face her. That’s when she pressed her lips against mine in a liplock that could not be denied, given my intoxicated state and attraction to her.

     I’d like to say that I pushed her aside, as I couldn’t even remember her name, even though she’d been hanging with our group for hours. But the truth is we were both twenty- something and tipsy, with the right amount of holiday cheer consumed to tip the scales in favor of playing around. It wasn’t the best sex I’ve ever had, but it was close. After an extended makeup session in the bathroom, that was rudely interrupted by a lady who had the nerve to walk in on us kissing at the sink, we ended up in her car, having sex.

     It was exciting and I could not stop thinking about her the entire next day. I asked my ex for her contact info since they worked together. Sadly, I had to ask her name too, after describing her in detail. My ex laughed at me when I told her what had happened. She said she had wondered what her deal was, but thought she was straight since her boyfriend sometimes dropped in on her at work to take her to lunch. Ummm. All I could figure was maybe they had broken up since he wasn’t with out group partying the night before.

     When I sent her flowers, she never responded with a thank you, we need to talk, or anything. When I told Beth, my ex, about her ignoring me, she sighed, explaining “I think her boyfriend is still in the picture.” I could not believe my ears. She had chased me down and seduced me, with a boyfriend in her back pocket.

     This type of thing happened to me a few times early on in my lesbian experience. I often wonder if these girls ever came out, or if they were bisexual and simply wanted to play. It wasn’t always a wild sexual bathroom escapade. There were a few crushes and intellectual affairs thrown in for good measure, where we’d kiss and then things would end abruptly, or they’d end in tears or worse, coming out, blaming and thanking me on alternate days.

     My only hope is that now,  with the national social climate changing and Americans becoming increasingly tolerant, that there will be less reason for lesbians to hide. Although, I must admit, sex in a bathroom or car with a stranger is not all bad, minus any expectations for a relationship. You have to quash any romantic notions from your head, should you meet a lesbian imposter who insists on experimenting with you and your heart.  Or to play it safe,  just say NO if you’re like me, and have a hard time separating sex from romance, deluding yourself easily into believing a lesbian imposter is capable of loving you.

     Beware the stares and flirtations of any woman who is uncertain about who she is or what she wants. Anybody who is that mixed up will most assuredly cause you pain. The pain may be mixed with pleasure, but, there will be more pain. And unless you’re into that scene, and I know some of you are, then steer clear of this seductress, as she’ll eat you up and spit you out, leaving you dizzy, depressed, and feeling used.

Repealing My Parents’ Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell Policy February 3, 2010

     Since yesterday and all the hoopla hit the airwaves about the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell military policy’s proposed repeal, I feel all at once giddy. I figure if the government finally comes around to their senses, then there is hope that my parents might follow in the footsteps of Defense Secretary Robert Gates and the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, and call for a repeal of my family’s unofficial, Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy.

     My stepfather went to West Point, so I’m not so sure about how he’s feeling on the subject, but my Mother who is a bit more liberal may come around if she believes other people are okay with it. I would simply be happy if she would stop shushing me every time I say the word lesbian, which is often, I’m happy to report. I’d stop saying the word it if it weren’t so much fun to see the scowl on Mom’s face and to defy her. Can you say passive-aggressive? I know….more therapy down the road, I guess. In my own small way, I’m fighting for the cause.

    Is it just me, or does the whole “don’t ask, don’t tell” controversy seem sort of stupid. Sorry Bill….I know your heart was in the right place. Can you say non-issue? How exactly will things change in the military if the gay men and women serving get to stop lying about who they are. According to current law, our brothers and sisters of the homosexual variety have the right to die for their country, but do not have the right to admit they are queer. Does that sound nuts to anyone else? And do people being shot at worry over such things. In the scheme of things, with life and death at stake, who the hell in their right mind gives a damn.

     What are these military nuts afraid of anyway. Do they truly believe that the homos are invisible and that anyone with any sense doesn’t already know they are serving in close quarters with queers. All I can figure is that they’d rather discuss the merits of the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell Policy than how the war is going. I can’t really blame them for that. Such debate offers a great diversionary tactic. And the military is all about tactics and strategies, I hear.

     But back to my family, where the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell Policy has been in effect for a couple of decades now. I’d really love it, if at Thanksgiving and Christmas, I could sit closer on the sofa to my girlfriend without my Mother scowling at me, for fear someone else in the family might notice. I’m sure that these family members, who I see once or twice a year at the holidays have already guessed about me and my “roommate.” Just because my family’s Southern, doesn’t mean they’re stupid. I’m quite sure everyone has my number, even though I did make that mistake at 21 and marry a guy in college. That charade did throw them off for awhile, but not forever.

     The reason I have hope for my parents and other conservative people, is that they are adaptable people. Mom watches Ellen on TV, without thinking twice about who Ellen married. Even my West Point graduate, stepfather likes Ellen. What’s not to like? She’s funny and cute in a non-threatening way, and she stays out of the political fray on the whole. There’s a lesson there somewhere, but I’m still trying to figure out exactly what it means for me.

     All I can say is that hope is good. My hope for the future is that someday the subject of homosexuality will not be nearly as titillating a topic of discussion and that the citizenry won’t think so much about who somebody sleeps with, focusing instead on more important matters like whether every body has a bed to sleep in, with a roof over their head, and healthcare when they’re sick. When that day comes, and it’s coming, it will be time to stop writing this blog. I know. Now, as a reader, you have some hope too! It’s all good!

Being Lesbian In Public February 2, 2010

     My partner and I are taking a class every Monday and Wednesday evening. We are among a group of about twenty straight couples, as the only lesbian couple in the room. I doubt the other prospective adoptive parents know we’re together as life partners.

     The first day of class, when we did the obligatory, touchy- feely, Meet and Greet exercise, going around the room and sharing why we were there, I said I was there for Caren to show my support. I said this, because technically she is doing the adopting, not me. But I will be living in the house as a “significant other,” which means I was forced to take this class by DFCS (Dept of Family and Children’s Services). A couple of women cooed….Ahhhh… to show their approval, apparently feeling all warm and fuzzy, when I stated why I was attending class with My Good Friend. I left out the part about us being life partners and sleeping together every night. It didn’t seem like the type of thing to make an announcement about.

     The other couples aren’t overly demonstrative or affectionate in class even though it lasts three long hours and falls at the end of the day, after most of us have already worked for eight or nine hours. Bored and exhausted, I have to fight the urge to put my head in my girlfriend’s lap, like I do sometimes at home to watch TV. What can I say. I love having a woman run her fingers through my hair. It’s part of what I signed up for when I came out.

     I have had some bad experiences in the past with public displays of affection, even the most subtle, so I have made a conscious decision to refrain from such behavior, unless I am surrounded by like-minded lesbos. Who needs to invite a hassle, right. I hate that kind of negative attention. It makes me want to use strong language, and we all know how unattractive that can be.

     One of my worst experiences happened in a bar in my twenties when I first came out. My girlfriend was a Tar Hell fan and wanted to see the basketball game on a big TV. She also liked to be around other Tar Heels to watch a game, so we wound up in a neighborhood bar. We lived in Buckhead at the time.

     The funny thing is, neither one of us even touched each other, so we were very surprised to end up exchanging words with a homophobe over the whole lesbian issue. Later, after some post-trauma reflection, we decided it was the way we were looking into each other’s eyes that must have gotten the guy’s attention. We were sitting at the bar, close together in a crowded, noisy group of twenty-somethings. It was mostly men, with a few women. As far as pubs go, it was what I would call a “nicer” bar, with a Yuppie crowd, during the late “eighties.” (Insert appropriate age joke here.)

     We were sitting on our bar stools enjoying the game. She was drinking Scotch and I drank wine. Neither one of us normally caught a second glance in public for being outrageoulsy lesbian, so all I can assume was that the stupid guy was watching us, probably thinking about hitting on one of us, as his lucky lady of the night. I know what you’re thinking. Sarcasm rules.

     Then it happened. The redneck stated loudly, “You two are dykes. Why are women dykes? I don’t get it.” Everyone in the bar stared. I wanted to do a magic trick and become instantly invisible, as I’m not one who likes a lot of attention. I looked up at my girlfriend and whispered, “Let’s go.” The guy chuckled noting my alarm. I hated him for it. My girlfriend got angry and answered loudly, so everyone in the bar could hear. “We have as much right to be here as anyone else.” I loved her and hated her all at once, angry with myself for wanting to flee and run, but still feeling distressed and dying to exit the uncomfortable situation.

     We stayed in that bar for ten more minutes, that seemed like days to me. My girlfriend had something to prove. She would not be run off. Even today, as I think back on that incident, I admire her for her stubborn pride. Maybe I could get a shot or something to cure me of my cowardice ways, and my innate preference for running away from all things embarrassing or confrontational.

     I wish this was the only story I had about public displays of affection and how they’ve elicited some mean reactions, but it’s not. The funny thing is I have never gotten in trouble for kissing a woman in public, which I rarely do. Oddly enough, the thing that seems to attract all this bad, unwanted attention is the way I’ve been caught in the act of looking into a woman’s eyes. It floors me that such a subtle gesture can be so meaningful to someone else. I have to wonder why total strangers are staring at us so intently in the first place.

     Believe it or not, it’s not only rowdy or drunk redneck men, who feel the need to scold you for being too lesbian in public. I dated a second grade school teacher a few years back. Her school principal called her into her office one Monday morning to discuss the fact that she witnessed the two of us in public at Target “making eyes at each other.” We never even touched. I know this for a fact because I was told early on that I could never touch my teacher-girlfriend in public. Evidently that was a rule to live by when you were north of the Perimeter in the conservative Alpharetta area in the nineties. According to that uptight school principal, if you’re a second grade school teacher, you have to refrain from any possible show of affection towards another female, if it could possibly be misconstrued as romantic. All I can guess is that she was worried about some random shopper who might be a student’s parent, strolling the aisles of Target for toilet paper or shampoo, who might be offended. Paranoia evidently runs rampant outside of the perimeter.

     I won’t bore you with the countless other stories I have on this subject. There are many, but they all have the same theme. If you read the papers and follow the law, evidently there are many people who supposedly don’t care what we do in our bedroom as long as we NEVER act like a homosexual in public.  They don’t want to have to witness anything obviously lesbian or gay,  even something as subtle, as meaningful and prolonged eye contact. I always have to fight the urge to shoot those people. But thankfully, I don’t own a gun. Now that’s something I can stand behind. Gun control does truly save lives.

Pleasing Your Lesbian – Giving Good Wife January 29, 2010

     It’s no secret that my current girlfriend and I got off to a rocky start. In fact, it was the rockiest beginning I’ve ever encountered. In the past, the real drama didn’t start for at least a year or so into the relationship, after a proper honeymoon period of fabulous sex and cool dates. From this explanation, I bet you’re already worried about my future. After all, who fights that first couple of months? No worries, my friend. I’ve figured some things out.

     Here are a few of the things that I’m doing that seem to please her, in case you’re curious about such things. I have my suspicions, that these same strategies may work on all other types of humans too, but can’t be sure. Since making her happy, makes me happy, it’s all good. As angelic as this blog will make me sound, don’t be overly impressed. I do these things for selfish reasons; I want to be happy and live in peace.

     The first thing I do every day is the hardest for me and in my opinion qualifies me for sainthood. Even though I am self-employed and could sleep in until noon everyday if I wanted to, I am getting up with my wife at O ‘Dark Thirty in the morning (about 6:15am), and making her coffee, while she races around the house to get ready to be a teacher. I also feed the four dogs and find missing keys and do other chores to help my beloved get ready.

     She’s not a morning person. In fact, she is about as opposite of a morning person as I have encountered. Given that fact, it is amazing to me that she took this thankless job where you have to be at work by 7:50am every morning, with your lesson plans complete and your nerves prepared for the onslaught of High School kids. You understand why she appreciates my morning gesture now, don’t you.

     Another way I’ve found to give good wife is to keep my mouth shut more often. I’m prone to arguing as I love a good debate. Unfortunately, not everyone does. It seems that some people have learned how to disagree with no negative consequences. That would not be the two of us. I have learned to save my urge to debate for other people, preferably people I don’t sleep with. This is working out much better.

     By far, the biggest thing I have changed in the way I interact with my wife is that I have stopped trying to control what she does. In particular, she is interested in adoption. I was not, at first. Having a child is the single biggest thing she wants. We fought over this, and then I had a rational moment and realized that if I deprived her of this dream by saying, “NO,” then I was doomed. She would always see me as the one that took her dream away. With life as uncertain as it is, no one can say for sure what will happen. This fourteen year old girl may be a blessing to both of us. I actually like kids. They just scare me sometimes. So I am taking a chance I would normally not take myself, and supporting my sweetheart in her decision.

     I know what you’re thinking. You’re calling me names. PU_ _Y-WHIPPED is what you called me. You may be right. But in the scheme of things, aren’t we all suffering from that condition, as lesbians, I mean. So you go ahead and call me names, and I’ll smile all the way to the bedroom, where I’ll have mind-blowing sex because my wife is happy and as stress-free as I can help her be, at least for now, and until the adoption goes through. One day at a time, right. All we ever have is the day we’re currently living. That is my new way of looking at life. This new perspective seems to make sense for me. I’ll check back in with you if things change. You know I will. Blogs rule!

Lesbian Survival Tips 101 January 28, 2010

     With two full decades under my belt as an “out” lesbian, I have learned how to survive in the topsy-turvy lesbian lifestyle. Here are a few tips from my soapbox, to help you rise above the drama. You may already be aware of many of these guidelines, or you may want to try some of these strategies to see for yourself. Whatever. It’s your life.

Lesbian Survival Tips to Live By:

1. Nurture your friendships as much as your primary romantic relationship. Good friends are constants in your life, while partners often come and go, until you figure out what you’re doing.

2. Buy some nice clothes and stop wearing those Dockers and Oxford, button-down shirts every single day. Enough already. You CAN get too much of a good thing. I understand the appeal of khakis as much as the next lesbo. You’ll find when you take some pride in your appearance and buy something fashionable and new, women will notice your added confidence as you strut your stuff, and find you more attractive.

3. Invest in a nice hairstyle. It’s money well spent. Just say no to mullets. (See reason listed above.)

4. Exercise and keep in shape. It will improve your sex life, which will enhance your marriage/dating life, which will spill over into all parts of your world, and ultimately make you a happier person.

5. When in doubt, give her another chance. Then, when you need for her to be understanding about your screw ups, she’ll give you the benefit of the doubt too.

6. As tempting as it is when you’re lonely and single, try not to go overboard on the number of pets you adopt or rescue, keeping in mind that some day you will wind up blending your menagerie with another lesbian’s. In most of metro Atlanta, there are limits on the number of pets you can legally own. I know what you’re thinking….they have to catch me first.

7. Be fearless when dating and get out there and try it all. You never know where your next girlfriend will be hanging out. But, you can be sure that you will better your odds, if you mix and mingle as much as possible. Sign up for the LesbianWinkMatchmaker.com dating site. Go to the dancing lessons on the calendar. Attend the  Fourth Tuesday events.  Take a yoga class to calm your nerves. Join a sports team. Sign up for a book club.

8. Always strive to learn something new. By committing to a life of ongoing learning, you will always have something to talk about, and keep those brain cells stimulated and youthful.

9. Never drive drunk. It’s tempting, but don’t do it! It can ruin your life and someone else’s.

10. Stay away from the “Woe is Me” lesbian crowd. You can always recognize them. They are the ones frowning and complaining about how they’ve been wronged, looking backward instead of forward. BORING!

11. As an adult, you get to make your own family out of friends. If your biological family is not supportive of your lifestyle choices, detach with compassion. Keep the door open out of love, allowing them to play a bigger role in your life, only after they evolve and become more supportive of who you are. Lead by example, with your compassion for them. Show them, don’t tell them, that they have to earn the right to your precious time.

12. Never give up your dreams or your friends, even after you find your soul mate and settle into wedded bliss.

Why Bisexuals Scare Everybody So January 27, 2010

     If you want  to get a good debate going, any time, any place, then all you have to do is utter the word bisexual, and you’re sure to get a lot of reaction. These people who claim they enjoy sex with both men and women scare the hell out of the rest of us, as a perceived threat to 99.9% of the population. Why do we care so much if a person dares to be open to sexual experiences with both genders? I’ve taken my informal poll, and here is what I’ve come up with.

     Human beings are desperate to categorize everything in life, to use labels to gain understanding and feel safe in their world. I’m way ahead of you. Yes. I know that bisexuality is just another label. So why the adverse reaction to bisexuality then? To most of us, bisexuals are completely outside of our experience and world. There are so few self-proclaimed bisexuals out there, that most of us don’t really know anyone who is brave enough to say that about themself. Our fear of the unknown is probably one reason that explains why many people are afraid of bisexuals, perceiving them at some very gut level, to be “other than,” like freaks of nature.

     Many arguments are bandied about in regard to sexuality. An assertion made on the popular Seinfeld Show, about the subject of bisexuality, was that bisexuality is just a stop on the way to Gaytown.  There may be some truth to that. In an attempt to fit into the world at large, I can see why a person who is having a hard time “coming out” of the closet might say that they were bisexual, to test the waters, giving themself an easy retreat back to the hetero world if they get scared, or decide against “coming out” altogether.

     If you’re bisexual, it stands to reason that you will be viewed as undecided, or wishy-washy. On a positive note, you may be considered quite avant garde, having evolved to a level where you relate to others on a more spiritual level, with the sex being a mere expression of your love for your beloved’s true essence. This argument does hold up logically, when you consider that few of us would say that we fall in love with a particular breast or penis, reacting sexually to body parts instead of personality and character.

     I have argued on occasion that I believe we would all be bisexual if we lived in a free-thinking, highly evolved society, devoid of stereotypes and oppressive religions, where people are taught what to think, instead of how to think. I have fallen in love with men and women. Please don’t stop reading this blog, just because I admitted to that. I identify as a lesbian. But the truth of the matter is, if I were stranded on a desert island with a handful of people after a plane crash, I could conceivably end up in the arms of a man instead of a woman. The mental connection is more  important to me than the physical connection. In a big world, I prefer women, but in a smaller space, I could conceivably pick an interesting and intelligent man over a boring or unintelligent woman. I bet most lesbians would have to admit the same thing, if they were pushed into a corner on the subject.

     Don’t misinterpret my last sentence.  I love sex. But sex for me is about showing a person how much I love them, not worshipping what a “great body” they have, or shooting for the ultimate sexual experience.  My best sexual experiences have been more about emotion, than the perfect orgasm or some interesting new position. Basically, if I love you, and feel loved by you, the sex will be great for me.

     Don’t judge me for what I am about to say, but I prefer identifying as a lesbian instead of a bisexual, even given my earlier argument that we are all bisexual at some basic level. For the reasons listed above, I am not willing to be as alone or forsaken as most bisexual women I have met. Lesbians and heteros alike are scared to death of bisexuals. Being a lesbian has been challenging enough, but at least I have a group of women going through the experience with me. There is comfort in numbers. We all need a social network where we feel accepted by others. The whole “sacrificial lamb” thing holds no allure for me.

     One of the reasons I believe so few women can commit to bisexuality is because most lesbians I know will not date a bisexual woman. Lesbians want a committed lesbian. The idea of their beloved changing teams unexpectedly, or transmitting a disease gotten from some promiscuous male, is enough to keep most lesbians shying away from bisexual women.

     With sexuality so wrapped up in life roles and family expectations, most people want some sense of what to expect from another person. If I go to a party and I’m a straight girl, should I worry about “her” around my boyfriend, or be afraid she’ll make a pass at me if I let my guard down when I’m tipsy from my third glass of wine. As stupid as that sounds to me and most other lesbians, I know from talking to straight women, that some of them are thinking this way.

     I admire the Bisexuals, as brave souls, willing to defy the norm to a level that, even the most rebellious homos are afraid to confront. Bisexuals may be the most sexually honest people on the planet. The only group of people who seem more intent on rocking the boat than the bisexuals are the trangenders/transsexuals. But that’s another topic for another day.

     Maybe someday our society won’t care so much about how we dress or who we love. Now that would be something. That would definitely be progress.