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Stalkers and Other Scary Lesbians and their Victims January 16, 2010

     I know I am venturing over to the dark side, leaving my sentimental stuff for another day. As the matchmaker service gets started, I am thinking about some of the crazy women I dated and the horror stories my friends have shared with me over the years. Dating is definitely not for sissies! But if you know what to look for to keep the crazies at bay, it should keep you safe and as drama-free as is possible in the lesbian dating scene. Double the estrogen, double the fun! Right?

     To make things easy to remember I am going to label the categories of women you need to recognize as soon as possible when dating, so you can make your exit before things get scary. The first category of lesbo that is possibly one of the most frightening is the stalker lesbian. Bet you thought only guys did this. Remember the movie Fatal Attraction? Glenn Close was mild compared to some of the nuts I’ve heard about out there.

     I know, I’m rambling. What you really want to know is how do I recognize a stalker? It’s not easy at first. She looks like any other woman you may know. She may be well educated and successful in her career life. The first time you meet her, she might seem as charming and stable as any person you’ve ever met.

     Rambling still, I know. Let me get to the heart of the matter. Here are a few of the red flags that signal she may be a stalker. If she immediately becomes clingy and wants to spend every minute with you, after only a few casual dates, you need to sit up and take notice. That’s not normal, not even for us lesbians who have given birth to numerous U-Haul jokes that are embarrassing, but ring true.

     Another sure sign that she might be prone to stalking is if she showers you with gifts that seem inappropriate given the length of time she’s known you and the depth of your commitment level. Don’t get me wrong. I love pretty jewelry as much as the next girl, but please don’t show up with a $1000 necklace or pair of earrings on our third date, or I’ll break into a cold sweat and run in the other direction.

     My girlfriend dated a woman who bought her a first edition Edgar Allan Poe book for her birthday two months ahead of time, before they even had their first date, after my English teacher friend casually mentioned over the phone that she liked the author.  When my girlfriend tried to breakup with her new suitor, the woman said , “you don’t want to break up with me because I bought you a first edition Edgar Allan Poe book for your birthday.” No, the woman wasn’t simply acting the  rich, eccentric. She was a 9 to 5 corporate type who could ill afford such an extravagance for someone she’d never met. They connected on one of the online sites, and were communicating at first only over the phone and through emails, when she purchased the expensive book.

    Not all stalkers are this obvious, but my friend said she knew something was off with this woman right away. On their first date, they went on a picnic together and decided to bring my girlfriend’s dogs. Not only did the stalker-chick bring a spread fit for a formal ten person sit-down dinner, she also brought multiple gifts for the dogs. This poor, needy woman defined the expression, coming on too strong in every thing she did.

     Being the wackadoo she was, when my girlfriend tried to breakup with her after only two dates, sensing the need to escape this needy, desperate-acting, woman’s clutches, the 34 yr. old woman said she had cancer and could not stand going through it alone, trying to guilt-trip my friend into staying with her. Whether she had cancer, or not, is unknown. But she lived near her mother and had two roommates, who could help out if she needed assistance. View this story as a cautionary tale. Beware the clingy new girlfriend who expects you to beome immediately immersed in her troubled life. You have to earn the right to demand my attention and commitment, unless I volunteer for such an emotional situation myself.

     Other taboo activities that I’ve learned to look for that show signs of instability include: reading my diary, snooping through my desk when I’m in the bathroom, quizzing me about my schedule and demanding to know where I’ve been every second of every day. I know. Doing one of these things by itself may not mean much. But, if she’s doing all of the above and acting clingy and desperate for your attention and reassurance, then you need to see the writing on the wall.

     One of the worst moments of my life was when I tried to breakup with a girlfriend and she threatened to commit suicide. I was floored. To say that I had no earthly idea what to do was an understatement. I knew I needed to call someone, but I wasn’t sure who. She ended up in detox as a condition of our trying to work things out, and we split up a year later after several relapses into alcoholic hell.

     I never saw it coming. She was literally a genius, had a high-paying job, and was model-beautiful. With everything she had going for her, she was depressed and drinking like a crazy person after we were together only a year. I know what you’re thinking. I’ve questioned myself silly, wondering how I drove a perfectly good woman to the brink. I could find no explanation other than her constant need for approval from a mother she felt never loved her. I still get misty thinking about her.

     Since I’m not perfect and have dabbled in being crazy myself, I am not quick to point my finger at others. That’s why and how I’ve ended up in crazyland a few times with women I’ve loved. It makes me wonder how objective I can be. It takes one to know one, as they say. So I’ve learned to look for the signs above to keep me from revisiting the scary places I’ve been. I figure if I live long enough, I may be able to write about every crazy dating situation possible.

     Good luck. Happy hunting!


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