Good Lesbian Sex, Bad Lesbian Sex and No Sex April 19, 2010

     There are many of you out there who will challenge me when I say I don’t believe in bad sex. In my opinion, anytime I can convince/charm a woman into taking her clothes off and climbing into bed with me, that’s a good day!  Granted some sexcapades are more exciting than others. But rarely have I had truly bad sex. And no, I don’t count those rare ADD occasions when I could not focus on her, and was making a grocery list in my head, instead of reciting to myself all the reasons I loved her. 

     The closest I’ve come to bad lesbian sex, speaks more to my lack of technique or understanding about what she wanted in bed, than about me wishing I had not gotten involved with her. Except for one bad experience with a woman who turned out to be into S&M of the “extreme” variety, there is not a single sexual experience that I regret. The “feel good” hormones released during sex never disappoint. Can you say, a “win-win” for both parties. You have to love anything that makes you feel that good. Sex is right up there with chocolate cake.

     Granted there’s good sex, then there’s mind-altering, fireworks-exploding, unforgettable sex. For me, the mind-blowing sexual experience usually accompanies a new relationship, where the mere fact that she “wants” you is a turn-on all by itself. You wonder how you got so lucky. You hear every gasp and every moan, remembering the sounds and playing them over and over in your head the next day. You believe you have truly been blessed by the Gods as you wallow in images from the night before, how she looked in the candlelight, draped across your bed, her eyes moist and loving, her lips trembling.

     I know what you’re thinking. I promise I did not copy that last paragraph from a naughty romance novel. I really do think like that. So shoot me. This isn’t intended to be literature. It’s a blog, for goodness sakes. Get real.

     Back to the subject. Sorry for my paranoia. We all have our stuff…. Where I am heading with this discussion about lesbian sex is that the only terrible, lesbian sexual experience is the one that never happens. No sex is the reason for so many misunderstandings and a true lack of connection between women, that I blame it for everything bad that happens in most lesbian marriages. When the sex goes, you might as well pack up and move on. Unless you both have no libido whatsoever, the relationship won’t work without the sex.

     Yes. I know how this sounds, and I apologize for speaking like an authority without the psychology degree to back my findings up. But this is the stuff I notice and think about, so sue me if you disagree and confine your reading to The American Journal of Medicine if you can keep your eyes open and stay awake.

     I guess I’m not really too picky about sex, as long as I have it regularly with someone I care about. On the few occasions I have been forced to go without, I got even weirder than I am now. So you see, for me, sex is a necessity, like food and water, but even more fun.

The Gift of Sex on Valentine’s Day February 11, 2010

     A friend of mine insists that she must have sex on Valentine’s Day and that sex on the big V Day is the goal she strives for each and every year, regardless of her circumstances at the time. It seems reasonable to me. Why go out in the cold to a crowded restaurant, when you can be in the sheets toasty, warm and flushed from great sex on the most romantic day of the year. We can all dream, right?

     Achieving this most worthy of dreams is not as hard as one might think, if you know where to go to find love. Be forewarned, it will take some planning. But, hey, we’re lesbians, so that should be no problem. Let the games begin.

     The biggest challenge for some women is coming up with the lucky lady. If you aren’t dating already, how in the world do you produce a willing participant on short notice? If you don’t already have a lovely lady that you live with or date regularly, then you’ll have to go out and get one. With all the events all over town, just pick one, with your strengths in mind.

     If you’re a great dancer, you should go to one of the many dance events to strut your stuff. The good news is that dancing can be quite intimate and a good way to check her out and hold her close. I’ve heard that you can tell a lot about a woman and how good she’ll be in bed by the way she dances. You might want to test this theory for yourself.

     If you’re more about great conversation than dancing, and were born with two left feet, than I would suggest attending a quiet dinner affair. You need to host your own affair or better yet, get yourself invited to a dinner party. If you can’t cook, better opt for the latter.

     If you’re neither a dancer or much for talking, I certainly hope you’re a good cook or know how to fix things. These are practical skills that always impress me. So do something unexpected and sweet for that woman you’ve had your eye on. Bake her a cake shaped like a heart, or fix her broken washing machine. Just think of it as a labor of love that will pay dividends in the bedroom in the future.

     Believe me, you aren’t alone if you find yourself clueless and lonely on Valentine’s Day. Been there, done that. But at least when you’re single and alone, you have hope. All you need is a plan.

     It is much worse to feel lonely while living with a supposed girlfriend who doesn’t care about sex. That’s when you’re truly stuck.

     This pep talk is over. Get out there and make it happen. Sex on the big V day is certainly something I wish for you all. Or if all else fails, set the stage for sex in the near future with someone you’re interested in and always remember that February 14th is just another day and only lasts 24 hours, and you can sleep for 10 of those if you need to.

Lesbian Bed Death – Lust versus Love January 21, 2010

     There seems to be a significant amount of confusion about lust and love and how you can tell the difference. Why should we need to know the difference since they are both wonderful words and feelings, perfect states of being in their own right, the stuff of poetry, art and theatre. Love and lust drive us all to be clever, charming and truly committed to another human being; physically, emotionally or both.

     Lesbian Bed Death can take months to infiltrate the lesbian nest, or if you’re lucky, years. It always comes as a complete surprise to me, even though mentally I know the signs. You start sleeping and eating more, spending less and less time in bed. The sex becomes mechanical. You think more about the time it takes to finish, and less about the urgency of her moans.

     I think part of the reason lesbians use toys is to ressurrect a dying relationship. Maybe it’s just me, but in the beginning of a romantic liaison, I can’t be bothered with toys. Who needs them. I am quite content to lose myself completely in the emotion of her kiss and embrace; wallowing in her taste, her scent and her soft curves.

     I admit, I’ve uttered the words I love you in bed, long before I really did truly love her, caught up in the emotion of the moment, flushed and overwhelmed with desire. Nobody ever says I lust you, but maybe we should, just to be clear. As soon as I utter the words I love you, I feel all at once vulnerable and sorry for it, knowing that I am simply responding to my body and not my head, realizing the power of the words and how it changes things.

     How long does it take to say I love you and mean it. I’m not sure. Maybe we can’t be honest about how we feel about another human being until we have some history with them and truly know them, mentally and spiritually. That’s my theory, as I examine how long it takes me to love a friend who I have no sexual attraction for, and whose connection to me is purely mental.

     After considerable reflection, I’ve decided that men cheat on their wives, hoping to have it all; the wife, the hot sex and the family. The lesbian version of wanting it all is to jump from monogamous relationship to monogamous relationship, holding on long enough to enjoy the stability, but not so long that the sex completely dies. The phrase coined to describe this lifestyle is serial monogamy.

     Most lesbians I know don’t cheat, although I know a certain percentage do. Most lesbos I know simply move on once the sex dies, and they can’t live with the idea of never having sex again, as they look over at the woman they share their bed with and suddenly realize that there is no more lust to be had. I am aware that I should not say that outloud, that it’s the purple elephant in the lesbian bedroom.  Is it the truth that sets you free, or mind-blowing sex? Hard to tell.

     Lesbians who move on every four or five years to a new partner, leave to fulfill their lust, and they suffer in pain because they truly loved their ex. Eventually they miss the little things about their ex that made their union sweet; the way she laughed, the private jokes, the pets, the house they decorated together. The sad truth of the matter is that leaving women eats you alive if you ever had any true feelings for her. Until we figure out how to quench our thirst for love and lust with the same woman, we’re destined to suffer.

     Quiet down out there. I hear you already. I know some of you lifers, who have been together for decades with the same woman, are still burning up the bed. You give me hope to go on. Please share your secrets. I only hope you’re not kidding me, forcing me to always feel inferior, because you won’t admit the truth. Or maybe, it’s better this way, holding on to the romantic illusion that the right woman can keep us engaged sexually, through some sort of magical spell she casts. I feel better already. Maybe I can have both lust and love until death do us part.

     To achieve feelings of lust, maybe there has to be an element of uncertainty. That would explain why I have been surprised by newfound feelings of desire for an ex again, after leaving her, once she was no longer attainable and available to me. Is it just me, or is she suddenly more beautiful and interesting when she isn’t doing my laundry and finding fault with my housekeeping. Perhaps the secret to keeping Bed Death at bay is to mix it up more and to structure your relationship in such a way as to minimize daily expectations of one another and to instead function much more automously, maintaining a little mystery for the bedroom.

     Here’s to wishing you equal parts of lust and love in life, with no devastating side effects.

Lesbians Who Switch Roles December 12, 2009

     Everybody does some role-playing, so it’s no wonder we’re all a little curious about the lesbos that switch back and forth between butch and femme as easily and often as women change their minds. To say it is disconcerting to see a vest-wearing, tough-talking, butch morph into a coy femme who giggles at everything said, is an understatement. It makes you feel like you’ve fallen into some parallel universe, where up is down and everybody walks backwards. The only thing more confusing is to see a lesbian out with a man on a date. But that’s a topic for another day.

     Why is it so disturbing to see that big, bad butch playing a girlie girl? I believe the rest of us feel deceived, like maybe we never knew her, or that she’s acting phony. Funny thing is, I actually get how this type of thing happens on some level. Different women bring out different sides of your personality. Everybody’s somebody’s butch and somebody else’s femme. Are you confused yet? Sorry. Let me explain.

     I am a professional lesbian who has been on the scene for several years. If you talked to people who have known me over the years, some would say I’m butch, and some would say I’m femme, depending on how they knew me and who I was with at the time. Super femme women automatically bring out my swagger and make me feel very protective of them. That’s about as butch as I get though, given I can’t work on her car, fix anything broken or lift anything over 30 lbs. I also don’t kill bugs or go camping. But I do like my jeans and love feminine girls, even though I always wear lipstick myself. Go figure.

     With that qualifier said, I have found myself with a few tomboys who had something special, where I was the one who felt protected and more the femme. And let’s face it, practically speaking, most women are better butches than me given my considerable lack of practical skills. For me, the butch/femme thing is more about attitude and posturing. I never feel fake, regardless of what role feels right at any given time. It’s all about the woman I’m with and how she makes me feel.

     Okay you feminists out there. I hear you bitching in the background. I know roles are oppressive. I do. But, I believe it’s a woman’s prerogative to fall into roles. In fact, it’s our way of giving the world around us some order. Even dogs have their pecking order in the pack. I doubt seriously they are playing butch/femme roles, but they are definitely instinctual about dominance and submission. It’s their way of relating to each other.

     I know it’s complicated for us tweeners, the few of us somewhere in the middle who can’t commit to ALWAYS be butch or femme at all times. Cut us some slack, already. We’re confused enough without being forced into one camp or the other. Life isn’t that neat and tidy. And yes, we all feel a little bit tough on some days and a little femme on others. So isn’t it natural to act on those feelings.

     So don’t judge, already. It’s nice to be nice. Tweeners need love too.

The Infesctious Lesbian Sex Hum December 8, 2009

     There is a certain hum that starts in your midsection when you meet that special woman, the one that knows exactly how to climb under your skin and keep you thinking about her. It’s something about the way she moves. Or maybe it’s the way she talks. Then there are those eyes that gaze into your soul, then shyly look away, leaving you speechless and trembling. You take her in visually, outlining her profile like an artist intent on painting her exact likeness. Her full lips, her long eyelashes, her soft brown eyes, mesmerize you.

     Once you’re away from her for an hour or so, you scold yourself. You swore to be practical and not jump into anything. You promised yourself you’d take it slow and be careful. The last time you jumped into a relationship, it was a disaster. You take out that crinkled, worn list you have stuffed in your pocket always, the one the therapist made you write out that lists everything you want in a partner and you begin to read. Health conscious, vegetarian, artsy, etc… You start shaking as you realize that you barely know this woman who you are obsessed with already, and you have no idea if  she even comes close to being the one you want, the one you need in life.

     What do you really know about her. You think back to your conversation at the coffee shop. The only thing you remember is how she made you feel and the look of her face, how she sipped her coffee, pressing her full red lips against the cup that you wished was your mouth. She did say something about liking football. But that was not on the list. In fact, if anything, that was a negative of sorts, as watching sports is not your thing.  She said she liked to read. That’s a big plus. Check one off the list of twenty.

     It’s time to take control of the situation before it’s too late. You swear to yourself not to see her again until you’ve had a long talk over the phone or at least many text messages. You need to know more about her before you allow yourself to be sucked in by her presence, by her sexuality. You know the type. You become putty in her hands, a lap-dog, a slave. How embarrassing. Funny thing is. You never feel that bad about it until it’s over.

     The chirp sound signaling a text message has come across your phone interrupts your thoughts. Um… meeting friends for dinner at Holy Taco at 7, wanna come? Your heart races. She wants you. Forgetting every promise you’ve made to yourself in the last five minutes, you follow your instincts and text her back. Sure. c u there.

     You can tell yourself you have control in life. But you rarely do. People aren’t robots. Granted, you can head off disaster often by paying attention to the little things and trying to keep your emotions in check. But once the lesbian sex hum starts, it is deafening, often drowning out every practical manuever you know. Lust trumps logic, most of the time. So deal with it and enjoy it. Being in lust is a gift. Just remember that it’s lust and not love. RIIIIIIGHT?

Why Good Sex is the Perfect Holiday Gift December 7, 2009

     I know what you’re thinking. You can’t give the gift of sex to everybody on your gift list. Or maybe you can. We do live in the South and the lines are blurred somewhat. I always had an Aunt I rather liked. But what can I say, she’s straight and it would make socializing tense at Thanksgiving and Christmas, when we are forced to eat together. And my family doesn’t drink, which serves to substantially impact everyone’s sense of humor, or lack thereof. Although I’ve managed to bring a bottle of wine and get away with it, without being damned to hell, the disapproving looks cast my way don’t go unnoticed. Mom’s a Southern Baptist. Need I say more.

     I believe Americans are so much more uptight than their European counterparts because they aren’t getting enough sex. In Europe, sex rules. Even television is packed full of images of adults enjoying the pleasures of the flesh, inadvertently granting everybody permission to get what they need, without praying about it, having some minister/pastor/priest bless it, or feeling otherwise ashamed  or undeserving.

     My solution is to give everybody sex for presents. No, silly. I don’t mean you should have sex with everyone on your holiday list. But you could buy them a racy movie sure to titillate even the most prudish family member or friend. They may blush when they open the movie, but I guarantee you they will watch it. And in your own way, you can smile, knowing you gave the gift of love. You’re smiling now, aren’t you. Like hot chocolate and a crackling fire, it warms your cockles.

     Even Grandma and Grandpa miss a role in the hay, and probably enjoy living vicariously through movies and books, needing a little encouragement to actually partake in their God-given human right. If you fear the movie images of most contemporary flicks might blow grandma’s mind and cause heart complications, then perhaps a book is advisable. Check out the covers of the book. It is easy to discern what she might like. Any book jacket sporting an artistic rendering of a man with hard abs will do, if she’s straight. If she’s a lesbian, then you might want to check out any of the online websites that sell appropriate novels. Just google lesbian and you’re almost there.

     For your sweetie, giving her good sex should be easy. If you’ve been together awhile and your sex life has grown somewhat dull, then plan a weekend away in an exotic locale, or better yet, in a relaxing spot if stress is part of the problem. Champagne is optional, but I recommend it for those that indulge. Hot tubs are good too. Forgo the insanity of trying to replace sex with baubles. All we really want is mind-blowing sex and some attention.

Lesbian Love versus Lesbian Lust September 15, 2009

Both lust and love have merit, but it’s best to understand the difference before you get hurt, or worse, you break that sweet woman’s heart. Although lust and love are often indistinguishable to the naked eye, they are quite different indeed, particularly as they relate to the inherent implied promises each evokes. It’s the implication of each of these all-consuming conditions that possesses the power to crush a lesbian’s heart.  So, be mindful of the words you choose when you’re in her arms. Don’t say, “I love you” if you don’t mean it. Resist the urge to please her by whispering these words in her ear if your only aim is to keep her in your bed. Shame on you if you stoop so low.

In the beginning, lust, unlike love, is more about the fulfillment of selfish needs. Before you’ve crossed that arbitrary, invisible line in the sand over into love, lust will take you on a narcissistic romp, always focused on your next physical high. Maybe there’s a reason that the words slut and lust are comprised of the same four letters.

Once you say, “I love you,” most lesbians take that as a commitment. Even though you only said those three, small words, you have implied that you will be monogamous, move in with her, dry her tears, marry her, take care of her when she’s sick and all the other “til death do us part” duties. So be careful!

There are people who believe in love at first sight. I am not one of them. To be fair, however, I do believe in lust at first sight, as I have experienced this glorious blissful state on many occasions. For me, lust morphs into love about half the time. And the other half of those relationships end within a few weeks or months, as the fire of desire that sizzled at first, quickly dies down, with nothing left afterwards but some good memories and tall tales.

Lust is primarily a chemical reaction. Although there is a mental component to lust, lust is more about friction, while love is more about spiritual connection. Clearly, lust has a mental component as well, but attraction rules the game, not the stronger connections of understanding, commitment and empathy. For me, lust is a craving of that person’s touch. Sometimes, it is the way she walks, or the lilt of her voice, or simply the way she looks at me that acts as kindling to ignite the flame. So, although lust is superficial at best, it is often fueled by mental attraction as well as physical attraction.

Maybe that’s the reason so many lesbians rush to utter those three special words, “I love you.”  They really believe that they do love her, attributing their ability to talk with their lady love easily and about anything as a mental joining, and therefore assigning their attraction to a higher status than lust, which often conjures up only physical attraction in many people’s minds.

Here’s a simple test you can use to decide whether it is lust or love. Remember this disclaimer. Lust can turn into love, so although it may be lust today, it could change into love given enough time. So don’t fret if your results say you’re in lust. There are many characteristics that define both lust and love. If you can answer yes to 7 out of the 10 points under the love column, you are in love. If you answer yes to 7  out of  the 10 points under the lust column, you are definitely being controlled by lust, but remember, you could be headed quickly toward love, as lust is often a prerequisite for love. If you answer yes to 7 out of 10 points under both categories of lust and love, BRAVO. You are very lucky and should count your blessings!

10 Defining Characteristics of Lust

1. All you can think about is her.

2. You are constantly worrying and planning for your next sexual encounter.

3. You replay your last sexual interlude over and over again in your mind.

4. You cancel plans with your friends to be with her.

5. You buy sexy lingerie and matching bras and panties for your dates.

6. You purchase perfume.

7. You think about her body parts, her legs, her lips, her smile, her breasts; memorizing every dimple, freckle and curve.

8. You experiment sexually, leaving your comfort zone in an effort to achieve the highest levels of sexual pleasure.

9. You forget to check your email and Facebook page daily.

10. You resent sharing her with others as you hunger to have her all to yourself.

10 Defining Characteristics of Love

1. You imagine growing old together and want to introduce her to your friends.

2. You enjoy simple things like going to the movies, enjoying dinner at a restaurant, or taking a walk.

3. You admire how sweet and kind she is to you and others.

4. You can’t imagine life without her and see her in your future, by your side.

5. You notice other women, but you no longer crave them.

6. You strive to be a better person yourself, wanting to please her, to deserve her.

7. You enjoy making love and holding her afterward, focusing more on her pleasure than on your own.

8. You stand by her when life gets tough and are happy to do it for funerals, job loss, sickness and other challenges.

9. You compromise to please her even when it hurts to do it.

10. You take the high road during arguments, resisting the urge to hurt her with biting remarks.