K-Mart Sexcapades – Get a Room Already! April 26, 2010

     First let me say, one of my best friends is a gay man, so no, I don’t have it out for the guys.  Secondly, the one thing that bugs me about my close gay friend is that he can be one-dimensional at times and completely obsessed with sex, not to mention crude and non-discriminating in terms of what he shares in conversation. With that said, the recent K-Mart incident, where two men were busted in the bathroom for having sex, is no surprise to me. Gay men will have sex anywhere, anytime, it seems. So why do I care?

     The reason I care is because that type of press reduces us all to sexual perverts, the label we have spent too many years trying to escape. Granted, I know, boys will be boys. I’m sure it could be argued that straight guys are just as bad about putting their sexual urges ahead of their common sense, as their gay peers. But fortunately, the straight men often benefit by women’s sensibilities, and a female’s need to “not be caught” in a compromising position. But when you put two guys together, you get the K-Mart and George Michael scandals, where the men’s bathroom seems a scary place to send your eight-year-old son.

     If the press is any indication of the sexual habits of our population, one would conclude that “straight” people have sex in their bedrooms, away from prying eyes and the press in particular, and that gay men have sex in public bathrooms. I can’t recall ever reading an article about a man and woman having sex in a public bathroom. Is it just me, or have I simply missed those articles? Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure it happens. But if you go by the news written on the subject, it must not happen that often, or wouldn’t a few of the breeders eventually get caught too?

     I believe homophobia is largely a result of the “us” and “them” mentality. As long as homosexuals are discussed primarily in terms of sexual misbehavior, then we will continue to be perceived as “freaks,” who are driven by inappropriate sexual urges, defined largely by a lack of moral responsibility to the public at large.

     I hear your arguments. I know that most gays and lesbians don’t fall in this negative, reckless category. Most of my gay and lesbian friends are very community-oriented and socially responsible. The problem is that the press only shows up when a few of us misbehave in K-Mart or some other public place.

     I know I’m getting preachy. Maybe I should shut  up and mind my own business. But as long as gay men continue to put their worst foot forward and “act out”, I feel I have the right to say, please stop it already. Do us all a favor and get a room!

Good Lesbian Sex, Bad Lesbian Sex and No Sex April 19, 2010

     There are many of you out there who will challenge me when I say I don’t believe in bad sex. In my opinion, anytime I can convince/charm a woman into taking her clothes off and climbing into bed with me, that’s a good day!  Granted some sexcapades are more exciting than others. But rarely have I had truly bad sex. And no, I don’t count those rare ADD occasions when I could not focus on her, and was making a grocery list in my head, instead of reciting to myself all the reasons I loved her. 

     The closest I’ve come to bad lesbian sex, speaks more to my lack of technique or understanding about what she wanted in bed, than about me wishing I had not gotten involved with her. Except for one bad experience with a woman who turned out to be into S&M of the “extreme” variety, there is not a single sexual experience that I regret. The “feel good” hormones released during sex never disappoint. Can you say, a “win-win” for both parties. You have to love anything that makes you feel that good. Sex is right up there with chocolate cake.

     Granted there’s good sex, then there’s mind-altering, fireworks-exploding, unforgettable sex. For me, the mind-blowing sexual experience usually accompanies a new relationship, where the mere fact that she “wants” you is a turn-on all by itself. You wonder how you got so lucky. You hear every gasp and every moan, remembering the sounds and playing them over and over in your head the next day. You believe you have truly been blessed by the Gods as you wallow in images from the night before, how she looked in the candlelight, draped across your bed, her eyes moist and loving, her lips trembling.

     I know what you’re thinking. I promise I did not copy that last paragraph from a naughty romance novel. I really do think like that. So shoot me. This isn’t intended to be literature. It’s a blog, for goodness sakes. Get real.

     Back to the subject. Sorry for my paranoia. We all have our stuff…. Where I am heading with this discussion about lesbian sex is that the only terrible, lesbian sexual experience is the one that never happens. No sex is the reason for so many misunderstandings and a true lack of connection between women, that I blame it for everything bad that happens in most lesbian marriages. When the sex goes, you might as well pack up and move on. Unless you both have no libido whatsoever, the relationship won’t work without the sex.

     Yes. I know how this sounds, and I apologize for speaking like an authority without the psychology degree to back my findings up. But this is the stuff I notice and think about, so sue me if you disagree and confine your reading to The American Journal of Medicine if you can keep your eyes open and stay awake.

     I guess I’m not really too picky about sex, as long as I have it regularly with someone I care about. On the few occasions I have been forced to go without, I got even weirder than I am now. So you see, for me, sex is a necessity, like food and water, but even more fun.

Is It True – You Can’t Go Home Again April 14, 2010

     Yesterday I was going through a box of stuff looking for an old address book when I found myself lingering over cards my ex gave me. The cards were sweet and seem to mean more to me now than they probably did at the time. The promises of undying love and growing old together haunt me today, like the perfect rainy day that forces you inside to think even when you try to resist the urge, for fear you’ll dredge up strong feelings you’d rather not endure.

     Bravery is not something I know much about. What can I say. I write bad poetry and wallow in the “perfect” moments I have been lucky enough to experience, like the way she cocked her head and uttered the words I love you for that first time, with a catch in her throat and shiny, wet eyes. These are the things I choose to experience as often as I can, when I slow down to a pace that does not swallow me whole.

     The tears eventually came as I remembered the good times we shared and how perfect our life together had been for so many years.  Like so many things in life, perspective has afforded me a chance to realize how truly happy I was, before the sex stopped and the finger-pointing began. I find myself contemplating that song by Cher, “if I could turn back time,” wondering how I could have sidestepped our breakup, saving us from that pain, from that loss.

     Knowing what I know now about the upcoming real estate bust and other factors that would eventually force my ex and I into opposing corners, I would do things differently. As the saying goes, hindsight is 20/20. I hate what happened and worry we will never be friends. There is a hole in my heart where she once lived. I have tried to fill it with new love, alcohol and interesting hobbies. Unfortunately, this tactic only works for a short while, until I see a garage sale sign, reminding me of the one unique hobby we had and shared on every warm Saturday morning.

     The new love I’ve been lucky enough to find goes a long way towards healing that homesick feeling I experience whenever I think about my old life. I suspect we are forever changed each time we walk away from a woman we truly love. I wonder if the saying, you can’t go home again, is true. I suspect that it is.

“I Just Wanna Be Friends” and Other Lesbian White Lies March 22, 2010

     Don’t shoot me over the title of this article! I know sometimes a lesbian pays a lot of sincere attention to you in the name of friendship, with no ulterior motives. I also know the other side of the story, about lesbos who say they want to be friends, then a few days, hours, or even minutes later, you end up having to push her away, as she comes in for a surprise kiss on the mouth. Not all surprises are good, are they? Yikes! But then, some sneak attacks are mind-blowing, with a capital M and a capital B. Yummy!

     Believe me, I am no goody, goody sitting in judgment. Shenanigans is my middle name, but I had it changed for obvious reasons. My point is, that lesbians seem unique in their receptivity to lovers and friends, with them being interchangeable and often appearing, disappearing, and reappearing like weird, horny rabbits in a magician’s act. You know what I mean, right?

     We have ex’s we break up with, then sleep with again. There are best friends we have sex with, then reject, as only friends. There are friends who are romantically involved, who we pray will break up with their girlfriends, so we can jump their bones. Even in business we can’t seem to follow that time- tested, albeit, crude golden rule…”don’t sh _ t where you eat.” We often meet business associates we suspect are lesbos, that we lust for, but are afraid to confront. Sometimes we follow our head and keep our distance, and other times, we follow our heart, risking our livelihood.  Add about fifty other strange scenarios to this twisted list, and you might have covered about half the pairings that lesbians conjure up in their imagination. Chaucer would be proud. If you don’t know him, then look him up under Canterbury Tales, and you’ll see what I mean. Who says literature can’t be fun, with those English people preoccupied with the pleasures of the flesh, jumping in and out of the sack with anybody, anywhere, anytime.

     I actually decided to count the times a so-called friend has made a pass at me, one who declared her friendship loudly, claiming no other romantic interest at the time. Over two decades of being “out,” I have had eight, “friendly” lesbian friends come on to me, who had no supposed romantic intentions towards me. Please don’t ask me how many times I’ve done the same thing in reverse. I’m sure I don’t know what you’re talking about, and yes I resent your inference. HA! Like I said earlier, shenanigans, my middle name, need I say more?

     In the interest of defending lesbians and their lack of willpower as it relates to friends and lovers, I will state my case simply and succinctly, for a change, by saying, SO WHAT? How can I fault anyone for going for what they want, as long as they don’t leave too many victims in their path. If you have the guts or bravado to stake your claim and put yourself out there in the name of love, I say go for it! That doesn’t mean I justify making a play for your best friend’s girlfriend or a straight woman with eight kids and a loving husband. Don’t get me wrong. Even I draw the line in the sand where kids and good marriages are at stake.

     I wish I could end this blog on an original note, but the truth is, a golden oldie says it best when they suggest that, all is fair in love and war. I guess I have to agree.

Lesbians Are the New Black, I Think? March 9, 2010

     Every time I turn around it seems there is some reference to lesbianism. Did you see that kiss replayed at the Academy Award Show on Sunday night between Sandra Bullock and Meryl Streep? What is it with the lesbian kiss that has everybody so turned on and inclined to use it as a gimmick, etc… Remember when every TV show seemed to have two women kissing during Sweeps Week? And we can’t forget Madonna and Britney’s big kiss. Hello!

     For me, watching two women kiss has always been a turn on, so I guess it seems funny to me ,that now everybody else has jumped on the bandwagon, with the “heteros” quick to milk it for promotion purposes. We all know that men fantasize about women together. I don’t know what changed exactly in society, but I am liking the change for the most part, except the part about men drooling over the idea of us together. Yuck!

     Are lesbos being objectified? That’s a big, YES! Do we care if we are? I guess it depends on the vehicle being used. When I see two straight girls kissing in Porn, with their long nails and their lack of obvious feeling for each other, I always cry foul, and swear to never watch it ever again. I’m not a fan of porn. Most lesbos I know, aren’t. But if you force me to watch a heartfelt kiss between two women in a movie with a plot and some good acting, then I’m there in spades.

     Politics aside, lesbians, or at least straight girls impersonating lesbians, are starting to claim a piece of the pie in business and Hollywood. Who would have ever thought Ellen would be a Cover Girl selling cosmetics? Not me. She’s made looking average, in that girl next door kind of way, something worth celebrating. Women relate to her on a friendly level, gay and straight. Bravo Ellen.

     Now that Hollywood sees that lesbos are bankable, I expect to see a lot more Ellens popping up on the scene. Sorry, Ellen, I did not mean to infer in anyway that there are multitudes of fabulous lesbians with your talent or perseverance out there. After all, Ellen is a big part of the reason this door has opened so wide for us.

     What I still haven’t decided is whether I prefer lesbians getting all this attention over something as silly as a kiss, when we have such bigger issues to tackle. Boring stuff like equal rights are such a drag to talk about, when it is so much easier and more entertaining to focus on the lesbo liplock. Like all great romance, the world’s fascination with lesbians has started with a kiss.

The Weekend Lesbian – A Hard Road March 5, 2010

     For many years I was a weekend lesbian. During the week, I buckled down and tamed my inner lesbian to fit into the work world and to woo clients. On the weekend I’d cut loose and shed the corporate suit and image to play with my girls. At the time I told myself that this dual lifestyle was required and was no big deal. It wasn’t long before my fear was justified by a narrow-minded manager I worked for in a national recruiting firm. 

     This closeted behavior got worse in my early thirties after I was fired by my boss when he found out I was a lesbian. Before he found out I played for the “other team,” he had been one of my biggest fans. But when I got “outed” by a jealous girl in the office who I had confided in, my Manager said I did not fit the company image anymore, even though I was one of the top recruiters for the firm at the time, and had been for three years, boasting large clients like Coke and Bell South as companies I brought to the table. The fact remains that discriminating against lesbians is legal in Georgia though, except for in a few of the more progressive organizations.

     It turned out okay though, as I walked out with many of his clients and went out on my own to earn more money with less hassle. Later I heard he hired this beautiful “Ms. Florida” beauty queen, who was also a lesbian. My buddies from the office told me, rolling their eyes and laughing about how clueless the guy was. He did not know she was a lesbian either. I laughed to myself. The guy loved pretty girls, but could not tell the straight girls from the lesbians. It turned out her cover was obviously as good as mine had been for years. Sadly.

     I still don’t know why it hurts to have ignorant people discriminate against you. At some level, it is hard to fathom how a person who likes you can suddenly change their feelings about you so completely, their smile turning into a frown like they just swallowed sour milk. I will never get accustomed to these drastic changes in people’s opinion based on something so frivolous as who I love.

     Being bold is something I aspire to. The older I get, the bolder I get. Maybe I’m just too tired to keep up two lifestyles, or maybe I’m finally claiming my right to be a lesbian. Fitting into the straight world is not important to me much anymore, although there are times it still makes things easier. Logically, I still don’t understand why people care who I sleep with. But on more than one occasion in my past, I could tell immediately when a business associate found out I was a lesbo. Sometimes, it made a big difference in the way I was treated.

     Now I find myself trying to arrange my business dealings in such a way, so as to be “out,” but with less and less consequences to my bottom line. I cater to lesbos, gays , and open-minded heteros as my marketplace. I feel lucky that Atlanta has turned into such a great place to live and work. Who would have thunk it? When I am safely tucked inside the perimeter, close to midtown and Decatur, it is hard to believe I am living in a red state.

     I am still prone to being a weekend lesbian in some ways. Whenever I venture outside of the perimeter in particular, I tend to stop all hand holding with my girlfriend. I still have a distance to travel in my head before I will be completely out I guess. But I no longer count out Monday through Friday as I once did, as days to endure in hiding, changing pronouns and staying oddly quiet and evasive when asked how my weekend was by a business associate.

Beware the Lesbian Tease and Being Punked March 2, 2010

     One day when you least expect it, and you’ve let your guard down, a woman will get involved with you under the guise of friendship, and your life will become complicated and confusing. This is not always a bad thing, but it can be. Remember, if you’re feeling uneasy about her, there’s probably a basis for your anxiety.

     There are several variations on the “lesbian tease” theme. Some women are straight women who enjoy the ego boost afforded them by a lesbian or two at their disposal, on call at all times. This type of tease realizes that you never know when you’ll need help with projects around the house or a last-minute companion to attend some function or party. She assumes that lesbians can be led around by their nose, once they’re hooked.  I know how this woman thinks, because I am embarrassed to admit that this has happened to me a couple of times in my life, before I came to my senses.

     An added benefit for the straight girl hanging out with a lesbian girlfriend is that hubby rarely blinks, as he believes there’s no way his beloved wife would be interested in a lesbo, since they don’t have the right equipment to be a true romantic threat. Men can be so clueless sometimes. Hello!

     Completely aware of her husband’s mindset, the hetero “lesbian tease” knows that her husband’s arrogance keeps him blissfully blind and non- threatened. She is keenly aware of the dynamics of the threesome and works them to her advantage, while basking in the glow of her lady love’s attention, and being legitimized by her husband’s or boyfriend’s presence.

     The second type of “lesbian tease” is the lesbian who sits a little too close, touches your arm frequently and bats those eyelashes in your direction with relative ease and confidence. Hair twirling and eating fruit slowly with purpose, also works to lure many unsuspecting lesbos into their game.

     I know I should resist, but the tango of emotions is so intoxicating, that I find myself lured in, justifying my passive participation as harmless, as long as I keep my hands to myself. A true tease  who has mastered her art is more about the seduction and less about any true relationship. She wants to know you want her, but has little interest in following through. You should be able to tell the difference between a woman sho is truly interested in a romantic relationship and one who wants to flirt, with no sincere desire to consummate the union.

     For fun, you can test her if you’re unattached. A sloppy wet kiss will tell the tale. If she darts away in a hasty retreat after that kiss, she’s just playing with you. If she lingers in the kiss, looking into your eyes and pulling you close, then she’s interested in a fling at least, and possibly more. As long as you know what her agenda is, then you’re safe to decide how to proceed, given your situation.

     Being vulnerable to the charms of women is the lesbian state. What can you say? Distance really helps in situations like the above. If you feel like you’re being played, you probably are. Then all you have to decide for yourself is whether the play is fun and harmless, or whether it is detrimental to your well-being in some way. Good luck as you try to decide for yourself. Just remember that being teased is not a spectator sport. You can’t blame her when you keep showing back up.

Ten Times You Should Run From a Moody Lesbo February 23, 2010

     We all know a moody lesbian. Maybe you are a moody lesbo or your partner is, in which case, I’m sorry. But everybody is grumpy at times, right? The trick is to know how to respond to her ups and downs without going crazy. Or if you are the one who is prone to wide swings from depression to fits of laughter, please remember the ones who love you and don’t be too hard on us as we try and navigate around your demeanor in a considerate and sane manner, so we don’t lose our minds, or worse, give up on the relationship.

     One of my exes always forgave me for many of my own strange behaviors that were foreign to her, by smiling and saying, it’s your way. As condescending as that statement could be, if delivered without a smile or kiss, her casual way of allowing for our differences, worked as a loving way to simply shrug and admit that we aren’t all clones of each other. Where lesbos get in trouble is when we expect our partners or friends to always mirror our own mood. Life is never this tidy. So, don’t expect it to be.

     One of my girlfriends was bi-polar. She was one of the sweetest, most attractive women I have ever known. But as you may know, bi-polar is all about the mood swings. Medication can make the drastic shifts between mania and deep depression managable, but without medication, it is impossible to cope with a woman whose mood swings are this radical. If you’re dating a woman who suffers from this disease, seek help immediately. If she refuses to get medication for this disease or find some alternative solution that works, you have no choice but to disengage, if you expect to remain sane yourself.

     Milder mood issues are often associated with the whole morning versus night person conundrum. I’ve learned to ignore my partner’s quiet, dismissive mood early in the morning for this reason. I am a morning person and she isn’t. Before 10am, I talk to the dogs until she wakes up. I also give her some space for an hour or so after she gets home from work, before expecting any attention.

     As irritating as a woman can be when she rains on your parade by not participating in your upbeat world, or joining you in the doldrums, you can’t fault her most of the time. If a man explained away my bad moods by grunting, “hormones,” I’d be angry. But there is some truth to that comment, even if we don’t appreciate any male’s dismissive tone.  Whether a lesbo is in her twenties and thirties and all about sex, or in menopause dealing with hot flashes, there is no denying that our lives are greatly influenced by the fluctuation of our hormones. What can I say. The need for understanding is absolute. Our bodies rule us whether we like it or not.

     There are times though, that you should run away instead of tip toeing around her bad moods. Here is a list of times you should run away.

1. She is bi-polar and will not take medication or find an alternative solution to manage her illness.

2. She is suicidal and won’t get help. (Don’t run away, assist her in finding help) If she refuses to help herself and persists in a downward spiral, you may need to walk away at some point.

3. She is immature and uses her moods to control you by pouting when she doesn’t get her way, or giving you the cold shoulder often, to manipulate you, instead of  talking things out.

4. Her natural mood or temperament is not compatible with yours.

5. She sleeps much of the time, hiding from life, rather than living it.

6. She flies into a rage and is verbally or physically abusive.

7. She engages in passive-aggressive behavior on a regular basis doing things that infer you aren’t important to her, like diminishing the importance of your needs by ignoring them. For instance if you’re afraid of driving fast in the rain and you ask her to slow down, but she persists in speeding anyway with you trapped in the car with her, that is abusive.

8. She is never in the mood to do the things that are important to you, but she is always in the mood to do the things that she enjoys.

9. She pouts every time you get together with your friends, and constantly criticizes them, trying to separate you from them.

10. You find yourself always tip toeing around her marginalizing your own quality of life, wondering when the next shoe will drop.

The Maturing Lesbian January 20, 2010

     I’ve gotten sensitive lately about my age. Having just had another birthday last week, I am feeling a bit sad about it. No one should have a birthday in the winter. Cold weather and gray skies already test my good nature, leaving me moody and depressed at times, without the need for an added formal acknowledgment that I am mortal and growing older, irrefutable and complete with birthday cake and candles. A couple of well-intended jokes from my so-called friends did not help any. I have to say age jokes really aren’t nice unless the person telling the joke is older than you. If you’re prone to telling these jokes, then please take note.

     The funny thing is, I don’t feel that different. There is nothing that I love that I’ve had to give up yet, by court order or otherwise. I did make a conscious choice to stop drinking, but that was a health choice and I have been surprised by how easy it has been for me, given that everywhere I go people are drinking. It’s funny how you never notice how much people drink on tv or in real life until you decide to stop. I’ve also given up meat. People act very weird about the meat thing, like I’ve gone crazy and chosen to live underground in the sewer system or something. So, I’ve learned to keep this on the “down-low.” Even I don’t like it when people roll their eyes at me or think I’m strange. But it does come easier the older I get. It is in my nature to be different and not care so much if I always fit in. Thank goodness.

     Neither of these adjustments is a mandatory fix, just something that made sense for me given my propensity to eat cookies and cake. I picked cookies and cake over fattening meat and wine. I’m happy with the substitution, as I doubt I could give up pastries without going into some sort of sugar detox program where restraints were involved. Plus when I drink, I am prone to brutal sarcasm. My inner bitch often emerges and is apt to pick a fight that’s been simmering just below the surface, tucked away where it should be, unspoken and unacknowledged.

     My definition about what is old has been redefined to suit my taste and ego. I have decided most recently, that you’re not technically old until you’re 70. I am quite sure that this number will get higher as I get older. Being adaptable is good for the soul. It definitely works for me.

     The one thing I refuse to do as I get older is stop chasing my many dreams. Fortunately for me, being a professional dancer or tennis player are not on the agenda, so I’m good to go. Although at one time, I would have sold my soul to play professional tennis. But now I have to settle for the weekend warrior substitute.

     As long as I have my mind, I can do everything on my agenda. And when I say mind, I am talking intelligence, not sanity, as that point has always been up for debate. Being completely sane seems so boring that I refuse to go there, even when encouraged. So I simply surround myself with people like me. No, I don’t hang out at the mental hospitals. But I do hang out with dreamers, entrepreneurs and artsy types. These are the people I love. They get me.

     The strangest thing to me about growing older is how I hear friends start talking about retirement in their thirties and forties, saying things like, “only fifteen more years and I can retire with a full pension”, as they head off to a job they hate, putting in their time like they’re completing a prison sentence. I don’t get these people. Why would anyone trade their precious time on this planet doing something they hate, so they can be assured they will have a pittance to live on in their old age. Even I get what’s happening. They are sacrificing their youth, or at least their younger years for some sort of assurance they won’t starve when they’re older. What’s the point.

     Getting older has been freeing in some ways as I’ve given up on vanity somewhat and have learned about how important good lighting is for your self-esteem. I know. Stop preaching at me. My mother told me the same thing. “Beauty is what’s on the inside.” But physical beauty goes a long way towards free drinks and other perks in life that will soon be replaced by discount senior citizen tickets at the movies.

     The good news is that as I get older, so do all my friends. We are going through this together. My girlfriend is five years younger than me, so she is just a bit behind me. I’m not sure whether it is preferable to have a younger girlfriend or an older one. I can see the advantages of both. I must admit though, that if she ever makes the mistake of referencing our age difference, except in the most comedic fashion, I resent her for it. Note my commitment to giving up drinking above.

     The only thing I know for sure is that baby boomers rule. We out number everyone else. So at least I am in good company.

Braving January January 13, 2010

     January is the month I was born. For me this cold and gloomy month has always been one of mixed blessings. My first vivid memory of  January occurred when I was just a kid. My family moved across town when I was in first grade. To comfort me, my mom promised me I could invite all my friends from the old neighborhood to come to my sixth birthday party. Then it snowed four  inches, and you know the rest. Nobody drives in Atlanta in four inches of snow. I know how ridiculous it is that I still think about that. Pathetic, right?

     On a cherrier note, there have been many Januarys in the past that were absolutely fantastic. One of my favorites was spent in Key West. Now that’s a great destination spot for the winter. No, I’m not trying to sell you a vacation, nor do I work in the travel industry. I’m just saying, there’s no reason to suffer if you don’t have to. Plus the gay and lesbian scene in Key West thrives with many new friends and acquaintances awaiting your introduction.

     Traveling south is definitely the answer, once you brave the humiliation of those new scanners at the airport, I’m talking about the ones where a perfect stranger checks you out on an x-rated machine that shows you naked as a  jay bird. Needless to say, I’m driving more these days, and flying less. But this month I’d gladly endure posing nude for the security personnel at the airport, if it meant getting the hell out of Atlanta for awhile.

     If you talk to people about January, most are simply hoping to get through the month. Thankless as months go, January is such a letdown after the holidays, that it is no wonder that we all suffer a bit during this thirty-one day blast of reality, with spring a faraway dream, and the gray of the days bearing down on us, oppressive and dreary. I heard that, and yes this blog promises to have a positive message, so don’t stop reading now, lest you miss the best part.

     The good news, and I know you were praying I’d get to it, is that January gives us a great opportunity to relax and attend to more cerebral matters. Sitting in front of a roaring fire with a great book and a loyal dog by our side, seeming every bit the Norman Rockwell fantasy, can go a long way towards cheering us up. And if you are more the tv/movie viewer and not prone to read, then cable TV and in particular LOGO, can offer you hours of couch potato bliss.

     And if you can’t find just the right book, then why not trap a playmate in bed for some exercise and good times. Snuggling in winter is mandatory and should be viewed as one of the perks of the season. With no yard to be cut and no bushes to be pruned and hours of free time, winter is perfect for experimenting in bed. What better way to kill an afternoon than to role play with your favorite girlfriend. And if you’re the type that has a hard time getting relaxed and doing the nasty before the sun goes down, I highly recommend starting off with a massage and picnic in bed.

     Whatever you do, resist feeling sorry for yourself or reading anything depressing this month. It is simply too easy to dwell on the negative forces in the universe when your teeth are chattering and every tree stands naked in disgust, waiting patiently for the upcoming spring fashion show. Stick with Disney movies and more uplifting books when possible. And if you must indulge, being one of those intense lesbian types who enjoys suffering, and I know you’re out there, then give yourself a timetable to purge all the gloom and doom from your soul…maybe two days or so. And while you’re at it, refill that anti-depressant prescription too, just to be on the safe side.

     Finally, I will stop torturing you, leaving you with one least thought. Have you ever felt more alive than you do when the wind climbs up your coat numbing your bare skin, as you walk across a parking lot to your car. You have to admire intensity like that, a force that will not be ignored, a power who’s greatest gift is the deeper appreciation it gives us all, as we relish the first warm kiss of spring.